I’ll never forget the first time I gave serious thought to my kids’ table manners. It was maybe four years ago, at my friend Megan’s house. She and her husband and kids had invited our family over for brunch. When it came time to sit at the beautiful table on her lovely porch, I noticed a few things: We were all sitting together (preschoolers, toddlers, and parents). We were all eating the same thing (I don’t recall what it was exactly, but I know it didn’t involve dinosaur-shaped nuggets or squeezy yogurt). And everyone’s place was set with glasses. Glass glasses.
My children hung in there for a few minutes, but before long, cream cheese was smeared, fussing ensued, and at least one boy had drifted away from the table in the direction of a toy, trailing bagel crumbs along the way. Our friends didn’t seem to care, but I did. Clearly, we had a lot of work to do when it came to eating in anything approaching a civilized manner.
Progress has been slow, and I know I have mainly myself to blame. To my husband, who’s more vigilant about keeping the baby-wolf-like behaviors in check at mealtime, I’ve tried to explain, lamely, why I sometimes let manners slide. It’s a matter of priorities: When you’re chiefly concerned with making sure three active and picky boys get enough to eat, some manners are going to fall by the wayside. Perhaps that means letting a child bring his Garfield comic book to the table to get through three more bites of chicken. Or letting someone use their hands to eat their green beans “because it’s more fun that way.” Or letting the baby drift away mid-dinner, because you’re just too damn tired to convince him to stay. (And too tired to stand your ground when the same child inevitably asks for a bowl of cereal an hour later.)
I’ve also occasionally questioned whether, in the grand scheme of a family meal, especially in the privacy of one’s home, table manners really matter. But I know they do, and not just for appearance’s sake. Convincing kids to sit at a table longer increases the likelihood that the food you’ve taken time to prepare gets eaten. Cutting out the kicking, interrupting, or yelling better allows family members to have those meaningful, important conversations. Keeping fingers out of food, drinks, mouths and noses reduces the risk that kids will spread and catch illnesses. The list goes on.
The trick is getting kids to do all these things without behaving like canines ourselves by barking our way through an unpleasant mealtime. Luckily, Lisa Collins, the mom behind Perfectly Mannered classes and workshops, lives in my town. She shared some really persuasive reasons for why we should be paying more attention to good table etiquette—and great tips for getting kids on board. As with so much smart parenting advice, the theme is pretty simple: consistency.
HHK: Do you think kids today have more trouble with table manners than previous generations?
Lisa Collins: Yes, because our fast-paced, on-demand approach to life minimizes the importance of table manners, and doesn’t create opportunities to learn and practice these skills. If we’re only sitting down for a quick seven-minute meal between carpooling to three different practices, homework and last-minute trips to the market, good table manners are barely on our dinner time radar. Our focus is on getting nourishment into our kids’ bodies, not on using the proper fork! But our schedules also reduce the time needed to practice good table manners. We are not born with this knowledge and skill set, and unless we give our kids the opportunity to practice table manners, we can’t expect them to simply pick it up by holiday mealtime.
HHK: What are the core table manners you suggest focusing on when teaching kids?
Lisa Collins: The four table manners I focus on first with kids are the ones which ensure we’re being considerate of the people around us.
- Sit squarely at the table
- Napkin on your lap
- Don’t talk with your mouth full/close your lips when you chew your food.
- Be present and engaged with the other people at the table.
HHK: What are some traditional table manners that you think are outdated now?
Lisa Collins: Anything to do with the role of women and girls at the table. Traditionally, women took a backseat to the men at the table, in terms of both the food and the social experience. Today, obviously, genders are equal at the table. However, it is important to remember to continue to give deferential treatment to any elders with whom you are sharing your meal.
HHK: What are some “new” manners we should be teaching our kids, that our parents didn’t have to worry about?
Lisa Collins: We need to be aware of what I call “digi-manners.” Electronic devices are a part of our everyday (every minute!) world, but need to be set aside, away from the table and out of reach, at mealtime. They take our attention away from the people we are with, they distract us, and they exclude (how many people can really watch a YouTube video at one time!). The key here is to practice what you preach. As hard as it is to restrain ourselves from checking our phone, there’s no way our kids will be okay stashing away their devices at mealtime if we don’t do it ourselves.
HHK: What are favorite strategies for helping children learn and follow the table manner rules you’ve set up for your family?
Lisa Collins: Practice, practice, practice. Give kids the opportunity to try out their new skills each and every day—and that means gentle reminders not only during meals, but also snack time and even pretend playtime for the younger set. Modeling good table manners is also a critical element of successfully teaching our children good table manners. Take your time to emphasize what it is you are doing, so those behaviors become a natural part of your family mealtime. This might mean setting aside a little more time, when possible, for mealtime, and not trying to cram it in between other, seemingly “more important” things.
At home, good table manners should also include setting the table and helping to clean up. These “jobs” help kids to not only learn proper table setting, but also to appreciate the entire dining experience.
HHK: How about restaurants?
Lisa Collins: Going out to eat is one of my favorite things to do with kids to teach good table manners. Eating in a restaurant provides a clear structure for learning and practicing good table manners, and ensures the meal will last longer than 15 minutes! From the time kids learn to talk, they should be ordering their own meal. Using the phrase, “May I please have…” is one of the easiest things for them to remember, and sets the stage for good table manners from the beginning of the meal to the end. And remember, no restaurant is too casual for proper table manners!
HHK: I’ve talked about how table manners can improve family bonding, nutrition, and hygiene. What are some other reasons you think we should be paying more attention to teaching table manners?
Lisa Collins: Three big things: One, good manners demonstrate you have respect and consideration for others. Things like chewing with your mouth closed or not grabbing the last roll teaches us a larger lesson of being sensitive to people around us. Second, it helps kids practice social confidence. Mealtime provides an endless number of social decisions that we have to make in short order and on your own (like, how do I answer a question if I have food in my mouth?) Finally, good manners can cultivate a healthy relationship with food. It creates a positive environment that connects food, other people, and ourselves to a singular positive experience.
Well said! For more about Lisa Collins, or to contact her with further questions, check out her website, Perfectly Mannered.
photo credit: Noo via Photo Pin, cc
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