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50 Parenting Truths They Left Out of the Books

June 22, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

My oldest son recently celebrated his 9^th birthday, which means—unthinkably—I’m in my final lap of my first decade of parenting. Because the start of summer has gotten me in a list-y sort of mood, I’ve spent the last couple weeks chipping away at a collection of random truths—my truths, at least—that seem to be missing from the parenting books I’ve amassed since my first pregnancy.

Aside from being a surprisingly cathartic exercise now, I thought it would interesting to be able to look back at this list after another decade has passed. What did I get right? Where was I clueless? What would I add once I was the parent of three big teenage boys (gulp) on the verge of adulthood?

Until then, I’m hoping you’ll share feedback and your own truths in comments or posts, and keep the list growing and growing.

1. Don’t, under any circumstances, try to pull down a dirty Pull-Up or swim diaper. Rip from the sides.

2. The terrible twos have nothing on the terrible threes. With another year, comes a greater sense of power.

3. Anything you let slide three times will become expected. That goes for them sleeping in your bed, skipping bath, eating a second dessert, and many, many other things.

4. The best way to clean a child’s nose is by sneak attack.

5. Trash and queasiness are inevitabilities in the family car. Always keep some plastic grocery bags in the glove compartment.

6. The ease with which your child learns to swim, ride a bike, and try a new food is far more dependent on their own internal voice than anything you can do or say.

7. Buy more milk, eggs, paper towels, socks, and sports water bottles than you think you’ll need.

8. Take the hand-me-downs.

9. Make a good babysitter happy.

10. An afternoon at the movies is fun, but with young children, a good video and popcorn is usually just as enjoyable for them and preferable in about a dozen ways for you.

11. Take 10 minutes to let kids run around a park, yard, or your apartment lobby before a road trip or restaurant meal.

12. Make sure your children get to bed on time the week before a vacation.

13. Three seasons of the year and for a good part of the fourth, top sheets on children’s beds are an unnecessary headache.

14. If you’re going to overspend on one thing your child’s going to wear, make it sneakers.

15. If your baby accepts a challenging food, keep giving it to him or her at least once a week. Otherwise, when you present it again in toddlerhood, he or she is likely to reject it.

16. If you want to get your child’s attention, sit in one place nearby for a few minutes, saying nothing.

17. Always pack water on car trips over 20 minutes.

18. If you go to the playground before 10 o’clock in the morning, bring an old towel to wipe down the slide.

19. It’s almost never something they ate, but a bug they’ve caught.

20. Kids will tire of even their favorite new toys within a couple months. Rotate boxes of 10 or so toys in and out of a hiding place.

21. Teach children to throw away wrappers and tissues in toddlerhood, otherwise you’ve got an uphill battle on your hands later.

22. An roll of kraft or butcher’s paper costs very little, lasts forever, and serves as an endless drawing surface, mess-free painting surface, tablecloth, or drop cloth.

23. Your child will have discussed with his or her friends certain (and almost always incorrect) aspects of the birds and bees long before you’ve had “the talk” with them.

24. Yell your point, and your child will focus on the yelling and miss the point.

25. They are still wiping wrong. Revisit lessons on technique regularly.

26. Learning to read and potty train are both longer processes than you think they will or should be.

27. When someone is unkind to your children, take heart: it will almost certainly hurt you more than it hurts them.

28. Your child’s general disposition at 4 months is very similar to what it will be at 4 years.

29. Nothing good comes from telling your child more than a couple minutes in advance that he or she is getting a shot at the doctor’s office.

30. It will be hard to believe that you will love a new child the way you love the one you already have, but you will.

31. Giving children the cold shoulder when you are angry will only confuse them.

32. After 30-60 minutes, the amount of screen time a child enjoys will be likely be inversely proportional to their good mood.

33. Telling your child about a mistake you’ve made can lead to a powerful connection between you.

34. Whether it’s reading, skating, sports, or a board game, a child will never really enjoy a pastime until he or she becomes basically capable at it. Expect the early days to be rough-going.

35. Set parental controls on the television and computer before you think you need to.

36. It’s tempting to skirt proper tuck-ins for older children, especially if they have younger siblings. Don’t.

37. It’s so much easier to clean up their room and toys for them, but that doesn’t mean you should.

38. You and the teacher are on the same team. Be absolutely candid with them about what your child is all about.

39. That perfect family? They have more worries and problems than you can imagine.

40. One of your child’s favorite foods will be his or her sibling’s least favorite foods, and vice versa. Don’t cut any of them out for this reason.

41. Once a child is potty trained, it will be infinitely easier to keep small stools in all bathrooms in the home for several years so children can go to the bathroom and wash their hands independently. Just buy a few.

42. The well-being of your oldest child will always be the barometer for how you think you’re doing as a parent.

43. Keep it light with kids, whenever possible.

44. Your neighbors know and care less about your family dynamics than you think they do.

45. If you find yourself starting to tell your child something for the third time in a row, start over, with eye contact.

46. When teachers recommend practicing the play lines at home, do it.

47. Offering a fellow parent a genuine compliment about his or her child can make that person’s day.

48. Your child’s “thing”—bugs, chess, rhythmic gymnastics—will likely change in two years.

49. Average can be—by definition—okay.

50. More hugs, fewer words.

What are some of your own parenting truths?

Have a Healthier Bake Sale

May 22, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

Following the lead of many schools around the country, our local high school is right now considering a ban on bake sales, citing recent federal guidelines that limit high-fat, high-calorie foods served during school hours.

I’m not alone in my view that banning bake sales is ineffectual, and perhaps even counter-productive, in the fight against childhood obesity. Forget the fact that bake sales are a major source of revenue for many school groups. Bake sales encourage people to make food at home, which is at least half the battle toward getting people to eat better. Home-baked goods tend to be far less processed, and contain fewer unhealthy fats, than the packaged goods that many kids would otherwise pick up at the corner mart or vending machine after school.

But that doesn’t mean that we can’t do better when it comes to bake sales. I recently read a thought-provoking blog post about school sweet bans by Claire McCarthy, M.D., a Boston Children’s Hospital pediatrician. As a mom who’d regularly sent cupcakes into school for her kids’ birthdays, she initially thought their school was crazy to disallow celebratory sweets. But then she considered the fact that “there’s something to be said for setting standards—and an example.” Kids get “35 to 40 percent of their daily calories at school,” she says, citing American Academy of Pediatrics’ research. “It’s not only important that the food they get in school be as healthy as possible, it’s important to use the opportunity (any opportunity, these days) to teach children and families about eating healthy.”

And then I recalled that the last treat I’d made for the kids’ school was Pokemon cupcakes—made from a box mix, since all the time I had the evening before was devoted to painstakingly decorating the cupcake tops into “poke-balls” (if you have a boy between the ages of 6 and 9, you might know what that means). Suffice it to say, the frosting contained enough red dye #40 to merit a case study into the effects of food coloring on kids’ behavior. The truth is, while I’m a passionate home baker, and make wholesome quick breads and muffins weekly, when I’m presenting treats for a birthday or bake sale, I’m a shameless crowd-pleaser. The more fat, sugar, sprinkles, and colors, the more likely kids are to gobble them up.

It got me thinking that instead of banning bake sales, schools should consider using them as an opportunity to get kids excited about slightly better-for-you sweets. I’m not talking about carrot sticks; think carrot muffins, maybe, with heart-healthier canola or coconut oil replacing butter. The goal is for slightly less sugar and fat, and maybe a few more nutrients, than your average Betty Crocker whip-up. Many of us have some healthier baked good recipes up our sleeve, and a growing number of cookbooks and websites are devoted to making treats more wholesome. Kids might balk at first, to see a table devoid of gummy-worm-topped cupcakes and jumbo frosted brownies, but I’m sure between a healthier bake sale and no bake sale at all, they’ll choose the former.

Here are a few recipes that have been kid-tested and approved among my kids’ neighborhood pals (this was an extra-fun week of blog research), and a link to more, below. *Note that two recipes contain tree nuts, and substitutions should be made in schools with tree-nut-allergic children.*

Brown Rice Krispy Treats

Would you believe that Rice Krispy treats that contain whole grains and zero dairy butter can actually taste delicious? I was a skeptic; no longer. (I tried substituting different natural syrups for the marshmallows, but the effect just isn’t the same; and kids can tell.) Cut into squares to fit into decorative cupcake liners to serve. Makes about 20 2-3-inch squares.

2 cup marshmallows
1/4 cup almond butter
3 tablespoons canola, sunflower, or coconut oil (I prefer coconut oil here)
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 teaspoon salt
5 cups brown rice cereal

Heat marshmallows over low-medium eat, stirring with wooden spoon or silicone spatula until melted smooth. Add oil and almond butter to warm mixture, until smooth and creamy, and turn off heat. Add vanilla and salt, and then fold in cereal. Using hands coated with a little oil, press mixture into square or small rectangular baking dish. Let cool and set before slicing.

Fresh Strawberry Cupcakes

It’s the perfect time of year for these delectable treats, which taste a lot like strawberry ice cream. The pale pink color in the frosting comes from strawberry puree. Thanks to Jen and Emily from Layers of Happiness for the recipe. It contains more sugar, butter, and white flour than might considered “heart healthy,” but we love the addition of the fresh fruit and extra egg whites to the recipe. Makes 12.

(Cupcakes)
1 1/2 cups whole fresh strawberries
1 1/2 cups flour, sifted
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/4 cup milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter
1 cup granulated sugar
1 large egg
2 large egg whites

(Frosting)
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, firm and slightly cold
pinch of salt
4 cups powdered sugar, sifted
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

Preheat oven to 350 and put cupcake liners in a 12-cup muffin pan. Sift dry ingredients and set aside. Remove green tops from strawberries and pulse them in food processor or blender until pureed smooth. In a small bowl, combine milk, vanilla, and 2/3 cup of the strawberry puree. In third, large bowl, cream butter and sugar with a mixer until fluffy, and then add eggs and whites. Slowly add dry ingredients, alternating with milk-strawberry mixture, until combined. Scoop batter into muffin cups and bake for 23-24 minutes. While baking, make frosting: Cream butter, salt and sugar until fluffy. Add vanilla and 1/4 cup of strawberry puree. Don’t over mix or frosting will be too fluffy; aim for an ice-cream-like consistency. When cupcakes are cooled, spread with room temperature icing. Top with strawberry slice if desired.

Pumpkin Muffins

Even kids who hate squash—dare I say, most?—tend to love pumpkin muffins. A muffin junkie, I’ve experimented with several recipes, and really like this one, which I adapted from a Food Network recipe created by Dana White, R.D., Happy Healthy Kids’ nutrition advisor and author of First Bites: Superfoods for Babies and Toddlers. Makes 18 regular sized or 36 mini muffins.

1 cup white flour
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup light brown sugar
1 egg, beaten
1/2 cup canola, sunflower, or coconut oil
1 cup milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 can of pumpkin puree
optional: Pumpkin seeds for sprinkling on top

Preheat oven to 375. Put cupcake liners in muffin pan. In large bowl,mix brown sugar, egg, oil, milk, vanilla, and pumpkin. In separate bowl, combine dry ingredients and sift with fork. Slowly mix dry ingredients into wet ones, taking care not to over mix. Fill muffin cups with batter and sprinkle with pumpkin seeds if desired. Bake for 25 minutes (for regular sized muffins) or 12-14 minutes (for mini muffins).

Zucchini Chocolate-Chip Bread

No one says no to this bread, and it’s as good for breakfast as it is for after school. Chocolate chips are optional but pair so nicely with the herby zucchini, I think they’re a must. Serve individual slices in decorative, labeled bags or pretty paper plates.

3/4 cup canola, sunflower, or coconut oil
1/2 cup honey
1/2 cup brown sugar
3 eggs, beaten
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups white flour
1 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
1 tablespoon cinnamon
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
2 cups grated zucchini
1/2 cup chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 350 and butter and flour a 9 x 5 inch loaf pan or 2-3 mini loaf pans. In large bowl, mix together the oil, sugar, honey, vanilla, and lastly, the beaten eggs. In separate bowl, mix together dry ingredients with a fork. Stir dry ingredients into wet ingredients until combined and smooth; don’t over mix. Fold in zucchini, and then chocolate chips. Bake 50-60 minutes until bread is slightly golden on edges and toothpick comes out dry (a few moist crumbs are okay).

Dark Chocolate and Hazelnut “Nutella” Bark

Dana White introduced me to this antioxidant-packed recipe, which she created for the Food Network. Keep it in the freezer in between nibbles, and package in cellophane or ziplock baggies (with tops cut off and tied with ribbon).

1/2 cup chopped hazelnuts
16 ounces dark chocolate
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 cup brown rice cereal

Line a large baking sheet with parchment paper or Silpat and set aside. In a double boiler or microwave, slowly melt chocolate. Stir gently with a wooden spoon or silicone spatula until smooth, and fold in cereal. Spread in a rectangular shape to 1/4 inch depth on baking sheet (doesn’t have to be perfect). Sprinkle nuts over evenly and press gently into surface. Let cool at room temperature for 1-2 hours or in the ‘fridge for 30-45 minutes. Break into pieces.

Fruit Flower Skewers

As the folks at Edible Arrangements found out long ago, fruit seems to just taste better when it’s cut into pretty shapes and put on a stick. Purchase short skewers at your hardware store, supermarket or here, and spring for these adorable flower shapes cookie cutters, which you can repurpose for cookies, Play-Doh, and other projects for years to come. Chill until just before selling; you can arrange in a flower pot, spearing the ends into a piece of styrofoam or floral foam tucked in the bottom, just like the pros do, or on a chilled plate.

1 watermelon
1 cantaloupe or honeydew melon
1 bunch grapes, halved
1 pint strawberries

Slice melons width-wise, scraping away seeds at center. Use flower shapes to cut various size blooms. Layer on stick, with halved grapes between to look like flower centers. Top with hulled strawberries.

For more ideas, check out the Martha Stewart article, Better (For You) Bake Sale, and this Cooking Light Bake Sale post.

It’s important to get other parents on board with a plan for healthier bake sales at the beginning of the school year. (Buckle up for some blowback!) Present the idea to the school principal and at a parent association meeting, and offer to “test drive” a sale before making it a regular feature of the school year. Here are other tips, some mine, and some from a helpful PTO article on the subject.

How to Hold a Healthier Bake Sale
Tips adapted from ptotoday.com
Look at traditional recipes and figure out ways to make them more health-conscious. In most recipes, the fat or sugar can be reduced by one-fourth to one-third without changing the texture. If you reduce both the fat and the sugar too dramatically, however, you will alter the texture. Always test drive recipes once or twice before serving them at a sale.
To further reduce the fat content, substitute applesauce or yogurt for up to half the oil or fat in the recipe.
Add seasonal fruit or veggies whenever possible. Berries, carrots, bananas, pumpkin, and zucchini add mild flavor that kids tend to like.
Make recipes healthier by boosting the fiber content. Adding oatmeal or nuts will help. In many recipes, particularly bread and muffins, you can substitute whole wheat flour for up to half the all-purpose flour and end up with the same yummy baked treats.
Ask parents to try to steer clear of store-bought treats and baked goods made from a mix.
Offer some treats for adults and children who are allergic. A gluten-free brownie, for example, can be made with black beans instead of flour. The Celiac Sprue Association has a list of gluten-free dessert recipes; you can also find recipes for many other specialized diets online, including ideas for diabetes-friendly or lactose-free sweets.
Offer the great health beverage of choice: water.
Make it easy for parents to find healthy recipes to prepare before the sale, and learn to make them at home after. Assign a baking-savvy parent to gather and print or email out a simple "cookbook."

Surviving End-of-School-Year Stress

May 11, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

When did sunny, celebration-filled May surpass chilly, budget-blowing December as moms’ most annoying month the year?

Maybe it has always been this way, or perhaps growing children—with their growing commitments, cruelly concentrated at the end of the school year—is just now making me feel this way. In any event, I can’t remember any periods in my parenting life where I’ve felt like our family’s work-life combo platter has been piled quite this high. The kids, meanwhile, spend most of their time hopping around like monkeys, vacillating between overexcitement and burnout.

Thankfully, Cory Halaby has shared with us her five top tips for keeping everyone sane during this crazy-busy time. Trained by Oprah magazine columnist Martha Beck, Halaby is a life coach, yoga instructor, meditation enthusiast, and mother of two middle schoolers. In the wisest, gentlest, most inspiring way imaginable, she coaches moms who want to love what they do all day right now, and when their kids are grown. Here are some thoughts she shared with me about juggling your commitments this spring, while also taking time to stop and smell the flowers.

Repeat after me, “Springtime is full of activity and change…and that’s okay.”

We can easily waste energy and create unnecessary upset when we’re wishing things were different than they are. As author and spiritual teacher, Byron Katie, often says, “When you argue with reality, you lose—but only 100% of the time.” If you’ve got kids in school and a few extracurricular activities, you’re going to be busier than usual. It’s temporary and it’s fine. You don’t have get everything right or do it perfectly. Just take a deep breath and do what you can.

Lean on your lists and check your calendar often.
These might sound like more chores, but believe me, you’ll be better able to relax and appreciate all of the end-of-year celebrations if you know when they are and what you’re supposed to bring. For the next few weeks, set aside five quiet minutes (it might mean waking up five minutes earlier) to write down every task, and keep a sharp eye on your calendar for random half-days, extra rehearsals, field trips, etc.

Take time to savor the day’s highlights.
Our brains are wired with a negative bias, meaning we remember disasters vividly for years and forget sweet moments quickly. Even if your day was replete with tantrums, tardiness, and a trip to the emergency room, there were probably some good laughs and small triumphs in the mix. You can talk about them at dinner, write them down, or just think of a few as you brush you teeth before bed.

Get on the same page as your spouse or partner.
Explain the nature of springtime for you if your co-parent isn’t already clued in. Detail your hopes, concerns and fears, as well as the types of support you could use. Be ready to listen and offer support as well. (Brené Brown writes beautifully about vulnerability and the power of being honest about your hopes and fears with your spouse. It sounds uncomfortable, but will make your relationship a gazillion times stronger and more satisfying. You probably don’t have time to read her right now, but add Daring Greatly or The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting to your summer reading/listening list.)

Do your best with all of the above, but whether things go well or not, be kind to yourself.
That’s right: Be kind to yourself. (It’s worth repeating.) Your children are learning from your example. When this and many more spring seasons have come and gone, they will have internalized kindness to see them through. They will learn it from you.
Here’s an image to help with that last bit, the kindness part: Picture a little kid in a dance recital, the kind you might be buying tights and bobby pins for this week. She’s excited and nervous. She’s been practicing new skills all year and is ready to shine, but she’s out of her comfort zone on stage and not sure how it’s going to go. She really doesn’t want to be embarrassed or let anyone down. From the audience you can see how totally adorable this kid is. You see her being brave and trying her best. You hope she will be able to think on her feet, trust herself and have a ball up there. You hope it all goes perfectly, but if it doesn’t, if a shoe flies off or a step is forgotten, you still love that kid. You still just want her to have great time being herself. What else is dancing for?
Now see how much you are like that kid. You’ve been practicing new skills all year and now it’s time to show them off. You can organize and prepare for activities, be present and compassionate with your kids, guard sleep and healthy food habits, remember the permission slips, sunscreen, bandaids, baseball mitts and bug-spray, all with a little more intensity than usual. Trust yourself. Bust a move. If it all goes sideways, you’ll have good story material to laugh about later. You are still totally adorable. Enjoy yourself. What else is living for?To learn more from and about Cory Halaby, check out her website.

For the Love of Libraries, Big and Small

April 3, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

Yesterday, while jogging in a neighborhood near ours, I saw something at the end of a driveway that just about made my day:

I did an Internet search and discovered that these adorable Little Free Libraries are cropping up all over the U.S. The movement was founded five years ago by a Wisconsin man who put a little box of giveaway books outside his home to honor his late bibliophile mother. The idea is simple: Lucky neighbors give a book and take a book at their discretion. You can search for a box near you at this site.

As far as I can tell, most of these Little Free Libraries cater mainly to adults, but how great would it be to set one up with kids books outside of your home, especially during the lazy, brain-draining days of summer? I’m going to look into it, as well as our town permit laws (unbelievably, for their generosity of spirit and literature, a few Little Free Librarians have been given citations for setting up illegal detached structures on their properties.)

In the meantime, don’t forget to patronize your own town library. April 12-18 is National Library Week; if you’re looking for some great kids’ titles, check out the 2015 winners of the American Library Association’s best children’s book awards in this earlier post.

New Kids’ Clothing Line—and Free Shipping!

March 31, 2015 by Kelley 2 Comments

At some point in the past decade, well-made, simple kids’ clothing became a seriously endangered species. As soon as you think you’ve landed on a perfectly nice blue shirt, you discover it’s covered in bubble letters, or leprechauns, or Phineas and Ferb. Dresses seem styled either for a baby doll or a Pussycat Doll. Even khakis are complicated, with buttons that stymie even nimble-fingered grown-ups. And just about everything—just ask my oldest son—is scratchy.

That’s why I’m grateful for the launch, today, of Primary, a new, totally original, basics-based clothing line that combines practicality, cuteness, comfort, and value. The company is offering 32 “essential” pieces in soft, long-wearing materials and delicious colors, from pool to petal to sunshine, all online. Everything is under $25. And when you enter the coupon code HHK at checkout anytime between now and May 15, you get free shipping on that order and all others—no minimum—for a whole year.

Full disclosure: Co-founder and CEO Galyn Bernard was my college roommate and is a dear friend of mine. Does that make me biased? Yes, but for the best of reasons: Galyn is just about the smartest, savviest, hardest-working and fun mom I know. If anyone is going to reform the overpriced-cheetah-print landscape that is kids’ clothing today, it’s her and her equally accomplished partner, Christina Carbonell, with whom Galyn worked in brand development at Quidsi (which owns and operates Diapers.com, YoYo.com and others). I asked Galyn a few questions to get a better sense of what’s in store for Primary.

Q: Why Primary?

A: After more than a dozen years shopping for clothes for our own kids, Christina and I still didn’t have a go-to for the stuff our kids wear every day. Everything in the market just seemed more expensive and harder to shop for than it should be. I think we were especially sensitive to it because we spent so much time at Diapers.com figuring out how to get busy parents their diapers and formula as quickly as possible. And we just wanted to be able to shop for basic kids clothes the way we used to shop for diapers—where it is incredibly easy to find the kind you like and buy more of them in bigger sizes whenever you need to. No other kids clothing brand is focused on this kind of easy experience. Through an online only sales model and a direct supply chain, Primary will offer quality, essential clothing for kids (newborn to 10 years), all priced under $25.

Boys’ polo, $16

Q. What were the very first Primary items you wanted to design for your own kids?

A. Sundress, girls’ shorts, and a polo were at the top of the list. Our girls wear a sundress everyday when it’s warm, and we wanted a well-priced classic version that was easy for school, playing, or going out to dinner. Plus, ours is reversible! Our kids refused to wear shorts that weren’t gym shorts because stiff fabrics and fussy closures, so we rethought a “nice short” that is comfortable and easy to wear. Finally, a nice, relaxed modern jersey polo for boys and girls was a must.

The dress, $16

Q. What are 1-2 must-have items for spring?
We really curated the assortment so that everything is a must-have, but if you have to choose, go for the boys’ jersey polo (soft, easy version of the classic in a ton of colors); boys’ gym short (slightly slimmer cut and great quality fabric work just as well outside of basketball practice); girls’ knit dress (amazing colors and price point and a no brainer for getting out the door fast and being happy all day long); and the girls’ capri legging (great, wide no-roll waistband and soft fabric with lots of stretch).

There you have it. Happy spring shopping, all. Don’t forget to plug in HHK when checking out before May 15 for a year’s worth of free shipping.

Keeping Kids Safe Around Cars

March 27, 2015 by Kelley 1 Comment

All three of my boys are wanderers and runners. They’re the kids in Target who would, if allowed, run clear across the parking lot, grab a cart, and locate Starbursts’ aisle in the span of sixty seconds. Holding my youngest’s hand feels like I’m walking a golden retriever puppy.

Keeping them close in and out of cars is exhausting, but inclinations on busy days to give the little guys a longer leash has been kept in check since an incident three-and-a-half years ago, when the elementary-school-aged son of a family friend was hit by an SUV pulling out of the parking lot of a sports practice. The boy had a hoodie on and darted out from between two cars when an oncoming car struck him and rolled over him, severely injuring his arm and face, and one eye in particular. He had to be medevac’d to the children’s hospital in the city. After several plastic surgeries and physical therapy, he’s doing great, but it was terribly traumatic—for both the child and the woman who struck him. And it remains, for everyone who knows the family, a sobering reminder of how dangerous a mix of cars and kids are.

As a parenting magazine editor and writer, I try to steer clear of scare-mongering journalism, but I was freshly reminded of this story and felt the need to share it, after coming across some brand-new data from the National Highway Traffic Safety Commission yesterday. In 2012, 557 child and young adult pedestrians under age 20 were killed by motor vehicles in the U.S. and 22,000 were injured, according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. The average age of the patients was 8, and these on-foot accidents were most likely to occur in the spring, near schools and bus stops.

If you’ve ever been around a school zone just after dismissal, especially toward the end of the scholastic year when the weather is turning warmer, this all makes perfect sense. Parents are extra-busy and distracted, and kids are extra-excited and distracted. It’s something to think about this spring and beyond, whether you live in the city or suburbs.

Safe Kids Worldwide has some great tips on their website for helping to keep kids safe in traffic zones:

Teach Your Kids to…

Walk on sidewalks or paths and cross at street corners, using traffic signals and crosswalks. Most injuries happen mid-block or someplace other than intersections. If there are no sidewalks, walk facing traffic as far to the left as possible.
Put down their devices and then look left, right and left again when crossing the street.
Make eye contact with drivers before crossing the street and to watch out for cars that are turning or backing up. Teach them to never run or dart out into the street or cross between parked cars.

Remind Yourself to…

Put devices down when you’re driving or walking around cars. If we put our devices down, our kids are more likely to do the same.
Accompanying kids under 10 across the street. Every child is different, but developmentally, it can be hard for kids to judge speed and distance of cars until age 10.
Be especially alert when driving in residential neighborhoods and school zones, and be on the lookout for bikers, walkers or runners who may be distracted or may step into the street unexpectedly.
Give pedestrians the right of way and look both ways when making a turn to help spot any bikers, walkers or runners who may not be immediately visible.
Enter and exit driveways and alleys slowly and carefully.

7 Ways to Improve Kids’ Social Skills

January 21, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

For some children, making conversation comes easy. For others, it’s hard work. Talking with a classmate on the bus, greeting a teacher, or even just taking turns chatting around the dinner table can feel painful, or just plain impossible.

Kids with ADHD, anxiety, depression, autism, Asperger’s Disorder, and other developmental disabilities are especially likely to struggle with these social skills, but they’re not the only ones. Given the amount of time that children spend in front of screens these days, all kids are getting less and less practice developing the ability to communicate—in real time—with others. A 2012 Stanford study showed that girls who spent the most time on a wide variety of tech devices (even social media) were at highest risk for social problems. Clearly, even as kids text more and talk less, face-to-face connection remains the building block of friendships.

Regardless of their age or whether they have a diagnosed social disorder or not, “all kids can benefit from making the most of their interactions with others,” says Polly Dunn, Ph.D, a Happy Healthy Kids advisory board member, child psychologist, and author of the Child Psych Mom blog. With the help of Dr. Dunn and some other psychology resources, we’ve gathered some tips for helping kids develop the social skills they need now—and in the future.

1. Teach her F.E.V.E.R. Dr. Dunn uses this acronym to teach kids and their parents what to think about when talking to someone else:
F—Face the person when talking
E—Maintain eye contact
V—Keep volume at a reasonable level: don’t be too soft or too loud
E—Think about your facial expression: Smile or be serious when appropriate
R—Relax! Try to not be anxious or tense.
You can teach your kids what F.E.V.E.R. stands for, and before a meeting with a teacher, or a playdate, or a visit with extended family, remind them to “remember fever.”

2. Praise positive social interactions. We praise our kids for good schoolwork, behavior, and extracurricular accomplishments; Dr. Dunn says we should give them props when they display positive social mannerisms, too. When your child looks another grown-up in the eye, answers a question clearly and promptly, or uses good manners at the table, point it out—and compliment him on it.

3. Model friendliness and good manners. You can’t expect your children to develop strong social skills if you aren’t modeling them. Show them how to strike up a conversation with the mailman or a neighbor, listen to a story without interrupting, ask follow-up questions, and stash your phone out of sight when talking with anyone (be it a best friend or barista).

4. Find a group-oriented extracurricular activity your child loves.Sports, clubs, or religious groups can give children extra practice perfecting their social skills. Be sure your child chooses the activity: the more engaged and excited she is about what she’s doing, the more likely she’ll be to want to work together and communicate with others.

5. Use opportunities for your child to talk on the telephone, FaceTime or Skype. You can’t mumble on the phone or over FaceTime or Skype and expect the person you’re speaking with to understand you. Sharing news from school or home with a distant family member or friend is a great way to help kids learn the importance of speaking clearly and thoughtfully.

6. Consider getting a pet. While researchers caution that more studies need to be done to establish a strong link, a recent study out of the University of Missouri suggested that autistic kids were more likely to display socially assertive behaviors (like answering people’s questions, introducing themselves, and asking for information) if they had pets. By establishing themselves as such an important and kid-friendly part of a household, pets may give shy or withdrawn children something to talk about. Past research has shown that pets are linked to greater empathy and social confidence in typically developing kids, too.

7. If your child is still struggling, look for a social skills class in your area. As diagnoses of conditions with social impairments have grown, so have the availability of social skills training classes, in which a trained professional guides groups of like-aged kids to start and sustain conversations. Dr. Dunn has seen children who have prolonged trouble interacting with kids or adults, making friends, or are painfully shy really benefit from these classes. Ask your child’s doctor or guidance counselor for ideas, or check out this list maintained by the Asperger and Autism Network (AANE).

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What if Your Kid Hates Sports?

January 7, 2015 by Kelley 7 Comments

More kids than ever—a whopping 21.5 million, according a recent analysis by the Sports and Fitness Industry Association —play organized sports. Indeed, for better or occasionally worse, there seems to be a team for everyone, every season of the year. But what if you’re the parent of a child who doesn’t want to play on a team at all? For whom an hour at the dentist may be preferable to strapping on the shin pads and chasing after a soccer ball?

In our sports-crazed culture, parenting a child who claims to “hate sports” can be tricky. I’ve spoken with parents who worry that children who beg off little league tryouts or who shuffle around a basketball court in apparent misery are missing out on some important childhood rite—or at the very least, an opportunity to bond with peers in some meaningful way. These feelings are natural, particularly if you have a little youth league nostalgia yourself. Plus, there’s data suggesting that sports participation can help boost self-esteem, fitness, social confidence, and even academic achievement.

Other than putting a child’s lack of athletic interest in perspective—we are, after all, talking about games here—parents can do many things to support sports-averse kids at multiple ages and stages. In fact, many kids may get the physical, social, and emotional benefits of mainstream sports and more by participating in lower-stakes recreational games or less mainstream physical activities. With special thanks to HHK adviser Curt Hinson, Ph.D., a kinesiologist and dad who counsels schools around the country about improving gym and recess programs, we’re listed two big ideas here.

At the early childhood level…Don’t push programming.

It’s not hard to get sucked into the tot-team industrial complex cropping up in many communities (guilty here). It sometimes seems that everyone’s signing their preschoolers and kindergarteners up for soccer, tee ball, and the like. Sure, exposing a child to a variety of sports early on may be just thing to help him narrow down what he likes and doesn’t like. But if your little one starts balking every time you lace up those teeny-tiny cleats, it may be time to throw in the towel, at least temporarily. “The most common reasons a child ‘hates sports’ are that they had a bad experience or lack the skill to participate at a level that makes them feel successful,” says Dr. Hinson. Some tot-level organized sports—ones in which coaches attempt to teach skills that are above many participants’ fledgling physical capacities—can set the stage for both these problems. “If a child starts playing at an early age and he or she lacks the strength or coordination to participate at a successful level, they often become frustrated or bored, which, in a child’s mind, can equate to ‘hating sports,'” says Dr. Hinson.

If this is your kid, says Dr. Hinson, the best remedy is for parents not to force their children to play in an organized league, especially skill-based team sports like soccer, baseball, football, basketball or ice hockey. “It’s better in this scenario to spend the early years just playing with your child in the backyard or in an open gym space,” he says. “Often, throwing, catching and kicking skills can be developed quicker with you than at a team practice. Some team practices have kids standing around waiting in line more than they are engaged in skill development.” This way, you can gauge a young child’s interest without the pressures or costs of a team experience. Invite some friends or neighbors over every so often if the social aspect is of interest to you or your child. This may be extra work for you, but chances are the extra family time and lower pressure environment will benefit everyone.

At the elementary- and middle-school level…Sign up for alternative sports.

When your older child ‘hates sports,’ it may just be that he just hates the sports he’s been exposed to up until this point. While the saying that “there’s an athlete inside all of us,” may sound a little commercial or corny, it’s true that there’s some appealing physical activity out there for almost every child—and now more than ever. Some of those ballooning sports participation stats have to do with the fact that more and more kids are getting involved with physical activities that weren’t available to us as kids.

Talking to your friends, your child’s P.E. teachers, and, of course, local Google searches will help generate ideas. In our town outside of Boston, for instance, there are a few indoor rock climbing facilities that hold kids’ classes, and many kids’ skiing programs. Dr. Hinson has found that dance programs and gymnastics in particular appeal to many kids who are disinclined toward team sports. There’s also a growing number of fitness gyms that have launched kids’ programming, from yoga to Crossfit. More and more towns are holding running programs and races that begin at the school-age level, and there are even kids triathlons held in many communities (look for one near you at trifind.com).

Whether or not your child finds a friend who’s game to try out one of these alternative sports with her, consider joining her yourself. You may both get more fit—have you ever tried to keep up with a motivated 11-year-old?—and also find that the best bonding you do is on a running trail or chairlift. And that’s a win-win.

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Are Fit Kids Better Learners?

September 27, 2014 by Kelley Leave a Comment

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We’ve all been told that a good night’s sleep and a balanced breakfast are essential for making sure our kids are ready to learn on school mornings. But did you know that 10 jumping jacks might help jump-start their brains, too?

Two recent studies build on a growing body of research showing a strong link between heart-pumping activity and increased learning potential in kids. In brain scans of 9- and 10-year-olds, University of Illinois neurologists discovered that fitter kids had healthier “white matter”—which is related to more efficient neural activity— in their brains than less-fit children. Michigan State researchers, meanwhile, have found that a bout of physical activity before school helped kids be more attentive and perform better in math and reading skills.

This probably doesn’t come as a surprise to many childhood education specialists: Preschoolers and kindergarteners often start the day outside or with some sort of movement activity, because children seem better able to cope with circle time once they’ve gotten their energy out on the playground. But as kids age and curriculum demands grow, they typically move from bed to bus to desk chairs, where they’re expected to log an hour or more of quiet work until recess or P.E. Given the recent findings, this shift seems pretty arbitrary—and possibly counterproductive. Older kids clearly benefit from “shaking their sillies out,” too.

Many schools have already come to this conclusion. More than 1,000 schools across the U.S. have adopted the BOKS (Build Our Kids’ Success) program. Launched by mom Kathleen Tullie in 2009, it helps communities set up volunteer-led, before-school fitness games, like relay races and obstacle courses. In many towns, it’s allowed schools to make up for P.E. time lost due to budget cuts or academic curriculum constraints. (According to the National Association for Sport and Physical Education, most elementary school students receive only between 33 and 66 percent of the recommended 150 minutes of P.E. classes per week.)

The Peter Woodbury School Playground. Photo credit: The Playground Project

Other schools offer physical activity before school to accommodate kids who need to be dropped early due to bus or parents’ schedules; and what starts out as a logistical necessity winds up benefitting kids. At the Peter Woodbury Elementary School in New Hampshire, kids are dropped off early, at 7:30 a.m., so the buses can leave to pick up middle schoolers. Because the building isn’t yet open to students, all grades start the day on a playground that’s uniquely designed with nature in mind. “There are 400-some kids out there playing all sorts of ball and adventure games before sitting down to learn, and all are having a blast,” says HHK adviser Curt Hinson, Ph.D, who’s observed the school while touring the country as a recess and P.E. consultant.

The only problem: If you’re like me, the thought of fitting an extra activity into the morning routine is mildly panic-inducing. Every last minute is packed—with breakfast making, shoe finding, shoe re-tying, and nagging, nagging, and more nagging. And yet, I know my high-energy boys would benefit from running-around time before school begins. Their school does open the gym and provide supervision in the hour before school to accommodate early-working parents. I think I’ll try to take advantage of that at least once a week, particularly as the weather gets colder and there are fewer opportunities throughout the day to get the kids outside.

I’ve researched some other ideas to help kids get moving more, both before and during school hours. Here are a few:

1. Take 10 minutes for tag at home. Tag requires no equipment, special skills, or prep time, and can be done practically anywhere. Although it may seem daunting, most of us could probably manage to build 10 extra minutes into our mornings to provide some tag time before or after breakfast—by setting the alarm a bit earlier, and packing lunches, and laying out clothes, shoes, and backpacks the night before. Try this variation if the same-old gets boring. (Older kids might be more game for a mini-jog around the neighborhood with you.)

2. Set up before-school playdates. Even if your school doesn’t have an early morning drop-off program, they may allow kids to play on the playground or in the gym as long as they’re supervised. (Be sure you check with the school beforehand.) Link up with a couple like-minded parents (who can also drive or walk their kids from time to time), and arrive on the early side for a 10-15 minute game of basketball or kickball before the bell rings. For more ideas, check out the BOKS website.

3. Talk to teachers about giving your child’s class “brain breaks.” Many schools already encourage this: stopping lessons in the middle to have children get up from their desks and stretch, do jumping jacks, or even dance for a couple minutes. To give the teacher ideas—and collect a few yourself to use during long homework stretches—check out the Scholastic book, Brain Breaks for the Classroom: Quick and Easy Breathing and Movement Exercises That Help Students Reenergize, Refocus, and Boost Brain Power Anytime of the Day.

4. Learn why you, too, may be clearer headed after that morning game of tag (or a jog or a Soulcycle class.) Read John J. Ratey’s Spark, which digs deep into the latest findings on the exercise-brain connection, in both kids and grown-ups.
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