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Nurturing Selflessness in a Selfie Generation

May 15, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

I was really moved by the recent news story about the high school quarterback who made good on a fourth-grade promise to bring his friend Mary, who has Down Syndrome, to prom. For so many kids, prom is a living selfie, in which painstaking choices of date, dress, transportation, and after-party are all made with an intent to prove to peers just how fabulous they are. This kid decided to make an old pal feel fabulous instead (and isn’t she just about the prettiest prom date you’ve ever seen?)

Some uplifting research suggests that humans—Ayn Rand be damned—are wired to think beyond themselves and their own needs. One well-reported study of 18 month-olds in the journal Science found that toddlers are quick to help others who are visibly struggling with a task—such as pick up a book that a grown-up has dropped—without being asked. But I fear we may be raising a lot of kids whose altruism is less instinctive, and more reactive—a means to a bigger allowance or better resume. Studied selflessness is certainly better than selfishness, but still, wouldn’t it be great if we could nudge more kids into more good deeds for no other reason than because they feel it’s the “right” thing to do—or simply because it might put a smile on someone else’s face?

In a previous post, I shared some tips from the Parent Management Training Institute about the importance of modeling generous behavior and becoming a “storyteller of kindness” to help nurture empathy in very young children. Last week, at our local bookstore, I spied a slim, not-so-new little paperback that might help slightly older kids start thinking beyond themselves independently. Written a few years ago by Suzy Becker (better known lately for her Kate the Great series), Kids Make it Better presents young readers with 24 problems and asks them to write their ideas for a solution and draw a picture about it. Some examples: “Things are not always equal for boys and girls. What would you do to fix that?” Or, “What would you do for people who don’t have homes?” And, “Some people are always shy and everyone is shy sometimes. How can you help a shy person feel less shy?” At the end of the book, there’s even an action plan section which helps kids put their ideas to work in real life. While it’s probably ideal for grade schoolers, the language is so simple and kid-friendly that you could easily read the book aloud to pre-readers and prompt them to share their thoughts verbally and through pictures.

It occurs to me that even more than camps, classes, trips, and Xtra Math, this might be a worthwhile activity for the kids to do this summer. I’m tucking this away on the shelf to bring out on summer evenings, when everyone could stand for a little quiet, calm, and reflection. I can’t wait to hear their ideas.

Photo credits: Noo via Flickr ; Lisa Troutman Moser via Facebook

Preparing for the Worst

April 30, 2015 by Kelley 1 Comment

I was organizing my kids’ closets the other day when I got an alert on my phone that April 30—today—is America’s PrepareAthon Day. Spearheaded by FEMA, it encourages communities, families, and individuals to practice what needs to be done in the event of a disaster.

It occurred to me that while I painstakingly organize hand-me-down clothes in basement storage bins every season, I haven’t assembled much of a family emergency kit—or plan—since I (and every other New Yorker) put together a “go bag” in the days after 9/11. That was before having kids. Since then, I’ve had brief, one-off conversations with my older boys about what they should do if there was a fire in the house, and I’ve purchased a fireproof box for some important documents. But if we were suddenly housebound due to a natural disaster, or needed to skip town quickly, we’d be woefully ill-equipped.

If you’re anything like me, it would be worth an hour of your time today or some day soon to sit down with your partner and map out some simple preparedness strategies for your family. Sure, some of the measures recommended by the government may feel a little “fearful.” But think of it like locking your doors in a “safe” neighborhood, or holding your child’s hand near a road even if there are no cars coming. Part of good parenting is anticipating worst-case-scenarios. You may need a more detailed game-plan if you live in a region that’s at high-risk for a particular natural disaster, but these five tips from Ready.gov are a really helpful starting point for everyone.

1. Assemble an emergency supply kit to keep at home and make sure all family members know where it is. More info here…

2. Keep your car ready for an emergency. More info here…

3. Opt in to wireless emergency alerts (WEAs) messages on your phone (look in “settings”). Many people switch off Amber Alerts and inadvertently disable WEA’s, too. More info here…

4. Sit down with family members and make sure you have a plan of where to go and how to connect an emergency. Make sure kids have memorized your cell phone numbers, how to call 911 for help, and where to go if they are alone, can’t call or text anyone, and need help. More info here…

5. Tell family members to “text, not talk” in an emergency. Texts transmit faster and more easily than voice calls, and use less battery power.

For quick reference, print out the cheat sheet below. If you have any other great resources, or tips for talking to your children about how to prepare for the worst (without raising anxiety levels unnecessarily), please share here.

Do Table Manners Matter?

April 28, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

I’ll never forget the first time I gave serious thought to my kids’ table manners. It was maybe four years ago, at my friend Megan’s house. She and her husband and kids had invited our family over for brunch. When it came time to sit at the beautiful table on her lovely porch, I noticed a few things: We were all sitting together (preschoolers, toddlers, and parents). We were all eating the same thing (I don’t recall what it was exactly, but I know it didn’t involve dinosaur-shaped nuggets or squeezy yogurt). And everyone’s place was set with glasses. Glass glasses.

My children hung in there for a few minutes, but before long, cream cheese was smeared, fussing ensued, and at least one boy had drifted away from the table in the direction of a toy, trailing bagel crumbs along the way. Our friends didn’t seem to care, but I did. Clearly, we had a lot of work to do when it came to eating in anything approaching a civilized manner.

Progress has been slow, and I know I have mainly myself to blame. To my husband, who’s more vigilant about keeping the baby-wolf-like behaviors in check at mealtime, I’ve tried to explain, lamely, why I sometimes let manners slide. It’s a matter of priorities: When you’re chiefly concerned with making sure three active and picky boys get enough to eat, some manners are going to fall by the wayside. Perhaps that means letting a child bring his Garfield comic book to the table to get through three more bites of chicken. Or letting someone use their hands to eat their green beans “because it’s more fun that way.” Or letting the baby drift away mid-dinner, because you’re just too damn tired to convince him to stay. (And too tired to stand your ground when the same child inevitably asks for a bowl of cereal an hour later.)

I’ve also occasionally questioned whether, in the grand scheme of a family meal, especially in the privacy of one’s home, table manners really matter. But I know they do, and not just for appearance’s sake. Convincing kids to sit at a table longer increases the likelihood that the food you’ve taken time to prepare gets eaten. Cutting out the kicking, interrupting, or yelling better allows family members to have those meaningful, important conversations. Keeping fingers out of food, drinks, mouths and noses reduces the risk that kids will spread and catch illnesses. The list goes on.

The trick is getting kids to do all these things without behaving like canines ourselves by barking our way through an unpleasant mealtime. Luckily, Lisa Collins, the mom behind Perfectly Mannered classes and workshops, lives in my town. She shared some really persuasive reasons for why we should be paying more attention to good table etiquette—and great tips for getting kids on board. As with so much smart parenting advice, the theme is pretty simple: consistency.

HHK: Do you think kids today have more trouble with table manners than previous generations?

Lisa Collins: Yes, because our fast-paced, on-demand approach to life minimizes the importance of table manners, and doesn’t create opportunities to learn and practice these skills. If we’re only sitting down for a quick seven-minute meal between carpooling to three different practices, homework and last-minute trips to the market, good table manners are barely on our dinner time radar. Our focus is on getting nourishment into our kids’ bodies, not on using the proper fork! But our schedules also reduce the time needed to practice good table manners. We are not born with this knowledge and skill set, and unless we give our kids the opportunity to practice table manners, we can’t expect them to simply pick it up by holiday mealtime.

HHK: What are the core table manners you suggest focusing on when teaching kids?

Lisa Collins: The four table manners I focus on first with kids are the ones which ensure we’re being considerate of the people around us.

Sit squarely at the table
Napkin on your lap
Don’t talk with your mouth full/close your lips when you chew your food.
Be present and engaged with the other people at the table.

HHK: What are some traditional table manners that you think are outdated now?

Lisa Collins: Anything to do with the role of women and girls at the table. Traditionally, women took a backseat to the men at the table, in terms of both the food and the social experience. Today, obviously, genders are equal at the table. However, it is important to remember to continue to give deferential treatment to any elders with whom you are sharing your meal.

HHK: What are some “new” manners we should be teaching our kids, that our parents didn’t have to worry about?

Lisa Collins: We need to be aware of what I call “digi-manners.” Electronic devices are a part of our everyday (every minute!) world, but need to be set aside, away from the table and out of reach, at mealtime. They take our attention away from the people we are with, they distract us, and they exclude (how many people can really watch a YouTube video at one time!). The key here is to practice what you preach. As hard as it is to restrain ourselves from checking our phone, there’s no way our kids will be okay stashing away their devices at mealtime if we don’t do it ourselves.

HHK: What are favorite strategies for helping children learn and follow the table manner rules you’ve set up for your family?

Lisa Collins: Practice, practice, practice. Give kids the opportunity to try out their new skills each and every day—and that means gentle reminders not only during meals, but also snack time and even pretend playtime for the younger set. Modeling good table manners is also a critical element of successfully teaching our children good table manners. Take your time to emphasize what it is you are doing, so those behaviors become a natural part of your family mealtime. This might mean setting aside a little more time, when possible, for mealtime, and not trying to cram it in between other, seemingly “more important” things.
At home, good table manners should also include setting the table and helping to clean up. These “jobs” help kids to not only learn proper table setting, but also to appreciate the entire dining experience.

HHK: How about restaurants?

Lisa Collins: Going out to eat is one of my favorite things to do with kids to teach good table manners. Eating in a restaurant provides a clear structure for learning and practicing good table manners, and ensures the meal will last longer than 15 minutes! From the time kids learn to talk, they should be ordering their own meal. Using the phrase, “May I please have…” is one of the easiest things for them to remember, and sets the stage for good table manners from the beginning of the meal to the end. And remember, no restaurant is too casual for proper table manners!

HHK: I’ve talked about how table manners can improve family bonding, nutrition, and hygiene. What are some other reasons you think we should be paying more attention to teaching table manners?

Lisa Collins: Three big things: One, good manners demonstrate you have respect and consideration for others. Things like chewing with your mouth closed or not grabbing the last roll teaches us a larger lesson of being sensitive to people around us. Second, it helps kids practice social confidence. Mealtime provides an endless number of social decisions that we have to make in short order and on your own (like, how do I answer a question if I have food in my mouth?) Finally, good manners can cultivate a healthy relationship with food. It creates a positive environment that connects food, other people, and ourselves to a singular positive experience.

Well said! For more about Lisa Collins, or to contact her with further questions, check out her website, Perfectly Mannered.

photo credit: Noo via Photo Pin, cc

How to Talk to Boys about Bullying

April 14, 2015 by Kelley 1 Comment

When they’re being bullied, girls are more likely to be positively affected by talking to their moms than boys are, according to new research out of the University of Michigan. Sharing their troubles with mom seems to help protect girls, but not boys, from later antisocial behavior that tends to affect kids who are bullied.

This might not surprise a lot of us, who assume that girls in general may be naturally “more connected” to their moms. But deeper data in the study reveal that something more might be at work. Turns out that moms are talking to their sons less than they’re talking to their daughters, generally. We may not be giving boys their fair share of opportunities to download their concerns and fears to us.

I know: You try. So do I. I’m sure I’m not the only mom of boys to experience a dynamic we begin to hear about as soon as people find out you’re carrying a child with XY chromosomes: a diminishment of open, spontaneous communication as our sons age. Whereas a lot of us enjoy cuddly, close, and chatty relationships with our toddler- and preschool-age sons, a foundation for a conversational wall seems to take shape around kindergarten, when simple questions—”what did you do for school today?”—are often met with monosyllabic answers, grunts, or silence. Sometimes, you’re left to rely on intel from a female classmate or her mother—who, between aisle 9 and 10 in the grocery store, will fill you in on who your son is playing with, how he did on his Spanish exam, and what’s he’s eating for lunch on Wednesdays.

But this study seems to suggest yet another reason that it’s worth our while to break down that conversational wall, early and often—even if takes some determined and, I suspect, more creative means of chipping away. Bullied kids aren’t just going through a “phase.” Along with being at higher risk for later antisocial behavior, bullied kids are more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety, which may persist into adulthood. They’re also more likely to exhibit decreased academic achievement and school participations than peers who don’t feel bullied.

Stopbullying.gov, the government campaign, has some helpful tips for encouraging kids to come to you if they’re having social difficulties at school. Their page “Keeping the Lines of Communication Open” seems particularly useful if you have a less-than-chatty son. I’m summarizing their tips, here.

Shoot to spend about 15 minutes a day talking to your kids about life in general. It can reassure them that they can talk to their parents if they have a problem. Here are some conversation starters:

What was one good thing that happened today? Any bad things?
What is lunch time like at your school? Who do you sit with? What do you talk about?
What is it like to ride the school bus?
What are you good at? What would do you like best about yourself?

Be sure to bring up the subject of bullying specifically from time to time, so your kids know it’s safe to talk to you about problems when they arise. Start with questions like these:

What does “bullying” mean to you?
Describe what kids who bully are like. Why do you think people bully?
Who are the adults you trust most when it comes to things like bullying?
Have you ever felt scared to go to school because you were afraid of bullying? What ways have you tried to change it?
What do you think parents can do to help stop bullying?
Have you or your friends left other kids out on purpose? Do you think that was bullying? Why or why not?
What do you usually do when you see bullying going on?
Do you ever see kids at your school being bullied by other kids? How does it make you feel?
Have you ever tried to help someone who is being bullied? What happened? What would you do if it happens again?

For my own mental bulletin board, I would add that it’s important that we allow more space for kids, girls and boys both, to talk about the not-so-rosy parts of their life. I know I have to work really hard to avoid having that knee-jerk look of anguish when my boys reveal a mistake or concern, and that I too often push a “buck up” attitude when they’re down. When we respond to the good, bad, and ugly with gentleness and equanimity, the more likely our boys will feel like ours is a comfortable shoulder to lean on.

photo credit: Gratitude, via Photo Pin, cc

The Problem with Parenting Labels

April 9, 2015 by Kelley 1 Comment

Recently, some very high-profile books and studies have emerged which center on certain parenting “styles,” and the merits or potentially childhood-robbing mistakes associated with each. Let’s review a sampling, shall we?

Lighthouse Parent: A Lighthouse Parent loves her child unconditionally but is able to strike a balance between protection and guidance, says Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia pediatrician Kenneth Ginsburg, M.D., in his new book Raising Kids to Thrive. This parent “understands that sometimes kids need to learn from failure.”

Helicopter Parent: The metaphor was first used by child psychologist Haim Ginott, M.D. in the late 60s but really caught on in the early part of the millennium to describe parents who hover over their kids and are overly controlling.

Free-Range Parent: (A.k.a. “slow parent,” according to Wikipedia, but who the hell wants to be called that?) Popularized by journalist-activist Lenore Skenazy on her website, free-range parenting is the antidote to helicopter parenting. Skenazy believes we need to give kids more of a chance to stretch, grow, make mistakes independently, and “stay out until the street lights come on.”

Little-Emperor Parent: In China, this has long been recognized as a phenomenon of the one-child policy, in which doted-upon onlies become over-coddled. Canadian researcher Ian Janssen recently adopted the phrase to describe Western parents who deluge their children with “all the material possessions they crave.”

Concerted Cultivator: In the same Queens University study mentioned above, Janssen discusses these parents, who sign their children up for more extracurriculars than their peers and believe that kids should “work hard, and play later.”

Tiger Mom: Yale Law professor Amy Chua has written critically acclaimed books on free-market democracy and political empires, but what made her a household name is her Battle Hymn of a Tiger Mother, a defense of her insistence that her children go to greater lengths than their Western-reared peers to pursue excellence. Critics have had their claws out ever since (see below).

Elephant Mom: In an essay on The Atlantic’s website that went viral, San Francisco writer Priyanka Sharma Sindhar countered Chua with a call for parents to be less like tigers and more like elephants—”parents who believe they should nurture, protect, and encourage their children, especially when they’re still impressionable and very, very young.” She supports her theory with research and, no joke, a ridiculously moving video of real elephant moms and babies.

Labels are catnip to journalists whose livelihoods depend on grabbing readers’ attention, but apparently, some scholars are finding them hard to resist, too. The problem is, labels are tidy, and parenting is messy. On my best days, I show glimmers of Lighthouse Parenting, but then I “forget to mention” baseball travel team tryouts to my oldest son when I find out that about two dozen third graders who hit like Miguel Cabrera have signed up. I recently morphed into Tiger Mom, temporarily, upon realizing that this same child was allergic to answering the “bonus” question at the end of his homework worksheets. Anyone who got a hold of my Amazon receipts on December 17th might have called me a Little Emperor Parent (I did return the make-your-own hovercraft kit). On a summer evening, maybe after a glass of wine, I’m a little more comfortable being a Free-Range Mom.

Can anyone really describe their parenting style in such general terms? Moreover, should we? I fear that all this labeling is only feeding into the notion of parenting as a competitive sport, one in which you have to decide, early on, what team you’re on. Are you a breastfeeder or a bottler? Crib sleeper or co-sleeper? Public or private schooler?

We’re grown-ups with jobs, families, and perspective. Aren’t we beyond the Breakfast Club stage, when the Mr. Vernons of the world saw us “in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions?” Each one of us is an emperor, a helicopter, a tiger, and an elephant. As our kids grow and change, so do we.

“More” Isn’t Key to Time with Kids

April 2, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

This is part of a series I’m calling “Guilt Busters”: Research-proven reasons to cut yourself some slack. More here.

Studies show that today’s parents spend more time with their kids than ever. And yet, I’m going to hazard a guess that whether you work out of home or stay at home, you probably feel you aren’t spending as much time with your kids as you think you should. More floor time, reading time, talk time, toss-a-ball-together time—all of those things would be great, if only we didn’t have to make a living, keep a habitable house, and communicate with other adults on occasion. But recent research from the University of Toronto and reported by The Washington Post’s Brigid Schulte tells us that more isn’t necessarily better when it comes to the time parents spend with kids.

In the first major longitudinal study of its kind, Toronto sociologists found that the number of hours mothers spend with children ages 3 to 11 has no effect on kids’ grades, behavior, emotional health, or more than a dozen other well-being measures. For teens, there was a small positive association between the amount of time spent with mothers and lower risk of delinquent behaviors, but no other health measures. And for those days when you’re stressed, sleep-deprived, or anxious? Spending more time with kids and teens actually has a negative impact on their well-being.

Study authors emphasize previous research showing that high-quality interactions—reading, sharing meals, exhibiting warmth—are beneficial for kids. What doesn’t seem to matter is the sheer quantity of time.

What’s the takeaway? For me, I’m going to worry less about hiring a sitter, signing the kids up for after school, or retreating to my office when I have extra work to do; but think a little more about what we are doing, as a family, when the articles, chores, and emails are done. Taking an hour to get my life in order, in peace, and then devoting the next hour to take a walk or play is far better for everyone than two hours in which kids are begging for attention while I tap away on my phone. Ironically, spending less time with my kids might actually take a bit more proactive scheduling and discipline on my part. But it just makes sense, doesn’t it? I’ll report back on how it goes.

Photo credit: Noo via Photo Pin, cc

Gardening with Kids: Start Now!

March 24, 2015 by Kelley 1 Comment

Let’s face it: We all like and value spending time with our children, but you can play only so many games of hide-and-seek before wanting to crawl under the bed and never get found. A few years ago, I discovered an activity with children that combines the best of all worlds: fun, education, kid-friendly messiness, and adult-friendly productivity. It’s gardening—and not the plant-some-pansies-in a-sunhat sort. Last year, the boys and I grew enough romaine, baby carrots, and cucumbers to keep these items off the grocery bill for the better part of spring and summer.

Science makes a case for gardening with kids, too. Studies have shown that gardening can boost kids’ self esteem, a sense of ownership and pride, relationships with family members, a taste for fruits and veggies, and even academic performance.

My first year of gardening, I made a lot of mistakes, and almost gave up. Like baking, gardening is a science, and small missteps, not to mention weird weather and days when life gets in the way of watering, can mean curtains for a crop. I overwatered and drowned seedlings; I forgot to regularly pick my basil and it bolted and got tough; I crowded my carrots and they grew skimpy and stringy; and nothing became of the raspberries at all. There’s still a patch in the upper left hand corner of our tiny garden where, mysteriously, nothing but weeds will grow. But I keep at it, because it’s something the kids and I genuinely enjoy doing together three seasons out of the year. Here, on the right, is what our little patch looked like at the end of last summer.

Chioggia, golden, and bulls blood beets, grown by Marion Mass and her kids to sell to Puck Restaurant in Doylestown, PA.

Last week, I had the pleasure of talking to Marion Mass, M.D., a pediatrician at Jellinek Pediatrics in Doylestown, PA and a contributor to Two Peds in a Pod. Dr. Mass is a green thumb and then some: she and her three children have been growing—and growing, and growing—a garden for more than five years now. At first, they planted just four or five veggies in a small patch; now, they have more than 1,500 square feet of plants, including heirloom potatoes, tomatoes, and beets, among other exotic vegetables, to sell to individuals and one local restaurant.

Marion Mass’s daughter and friends, planting potatoes

With Dr. Mass’s help, I’ve made a checklist of all things you should be doing now to get a successful garden going this spring. We know this checklist, below, might sound daunting, but trust me, it’s doable, and worth it. And above all, says Dr. Mass, don’t give up. “Too many people start a garden, fail with one vegetable, and decide they can’t do it,” she says. “But you have to think of each planting as an experiment.” And what better message to send to your child then to try something new, have something fail, learn from it, and try again?

Gardening with Kids: Late March-Early April Must-Dos

	Select a spot for your garden. For your first year, 16-24 square feet (4x4, 2x8, 3x7, etc.) is plenty big enough. It should be in a place that gets about six hours of sun per day, has good drainage, and is close enough to a water source that a long hose can reach it.
	Decide what you want to grow and eat, and when. The Farmer's Almanac has a great site that allows you to plug in your zip code and see what you can successfully grow at different times of the year. They even have kid-friendly vegetable graphics on the chart that will help kids follow along. Don't be overly ambitious: Start with 1-3 veggies and maybe some herbs in the early spring and again in late spring. For an easy-to-grow first year, Dr. Mass recommends planning for lettuce and radishes in the early spring and tomatoes, cucumbers, and beans in the late spring/early summer.
	Purchase seeds. Home Depot and Loews carry a big selection. You can also find relatively affordable organic seeds at Burpee, Peaceful Farm and Garden Supply, Seeds of Change, and even Amazon.
	If you want to get a jump start on growing and get kids excited, start seeds indoors. This is best for plants with a long growing season, like tomatoes. It requires a sunny windowsill, some small starter pots or trays, and a seedling starter mix. Follow seed packet instructions and have kids help you mist with a spray bottle to keep moist (but not soggy) once or twice a day. Don't sweat it if seedlings fail; you can start seeds directly in ground according to planting guide above, or later in the spring, purchase seedlings from your local gardening center.
	Buy supplies, if needed, to prepare your garden plot. I used empty space in a mulch bed on the side of the house, and edged the space with these surprisingly real-looking, easy-to-install polyethylene "rock" strips from Home Depot. If you don't have that, you can dig up grass in your chosen plot (good instructions here), or opt for an easy raised bed, which sits right on top of the grass. Home Depot carries easy-assembly raised bed kits like this 4x4 plot by Greene's Fence. No yard? Put a tiny elevated bed on a sunny deck or patio space and plan for 1-2 vegetables and 1-2 herbs.
	Buy tools. Keep it simple: a trowel for working the soil, a hand rake, and a spade (for everyone in the family) works. Try this ergonomic four-piece kit for you and older children and this kid-friendly set for little ones. Soft, not-too-thick gloves are a must. Add a long hose if yours won't reach your spot, and a Dramm Wand in your kids' fave color to attach to your hose for easy, gentle watering children can manage.

This week, we planted seeds for baby romaine lettuce, nasturtium flowers, and our kids’ very favorite thing to grow and pick, Danvers 126 6-inch “half carrots” (named after the Massachusetts town where the market gardeners who developed them lived), in pots on the windowsill. There’s still snow on the ground, but as soon as it melts, we’ll clean out the garden, work in some fresh compost, and plant lettuce. What are you planning on growing? Send me your pics and tips—I’ll be doing gardening posts every month or so from now through the start of the next school year.

Top photo credit: Shutterstock

When to Talk About the Birds and Bees

March 21, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

My friend Beth recently sent me an email with an idea for a post. With her oldest son turning 9, she wondered if it was time to talk with him about the birds and bees.

Whaaat? I thought. My oldest is turning 9 soon, too, and I hadn’t thought that we were anywhere near “the talk.” I quickly started researching the topic, and it appeared that Beth was on the right track. Clearly, I was clueless, so I reached out to clinical psychologist Ellen Braaten, Ph.D. Dr. Braaten is the associate director of the Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds and the director of the Learning and Emotional Assessment Program (LEAP), both based at Massachusetts General Hospital, as well as a mom. Here’s what I learned.

There shouldn’t be one big sex talk, but an evolving conversation—starting very early.

Once a child gets to be verbal, you can do a few things to set the stage for later talks about how babies are made. Dr. Braaten advises always using the correct names for body parts, and also demonstrating and talking about loving, gentle relationships, generally. You can also talk about what it means to be a family, making sure to point out that there are different types of families.

There’s a good chance that your preschooler or early elementary schooler will take note that other grown-ups—maybe you or your partner—are expecting and having babies, and they might start asking more, shall we say, technical questions. “You can and should answer all questions that come up, and be truthful, without adding unnecessary details that might confuse or upset them,” says Dr. Braaten. If you and your partner conceived in the traditional way, she suggests saying something like, “Mommy and Daddy love each other, and Daddy shared a small part of himself with a small part of Mommy, and those parts started to grow into a baby.” If you have a curious child who presses for more details—but how did Daddy’s part get inside Mommy?—Dr. Braaten likes the idea of talking about parents sharing a very special hug, and leaving it at that for the time being. (If your child is adopted or is conceived via a donor or surrogate, you’ll obviously have a different type of conversation. For guidance, Dr. Braaten advises talking to friends in similar situations who have older children. “Other parents are always your best guides when it comes to this subject, in particular,” she says.)

Between 8 and 10 is a good time to talk to kids about puberty and the basics of sex.

“Kids should know when and how bodies change before they hit puberty,” says Dr. Braaten. “When you do this, the conversation will be less personal and therefore less embarrassing for them, making them far more inclined to listen and ask the important questions.” Talking about what happens during puberty to both sexes is also important to demystify the changes that they might notice in their peers. Dr. Braaten also recommends having both you and your spouse or partner present during the conversation so your child knows that either of you can field questions or concerns later.

After you’ve given them the basics, leave them with a good book about puberty so they can refer to it later. For girls, Dr. Braaten recommends The Care and Keeping of You, by the makers of the American Girl doll series. For boys, The Boys Body Book, published in 2013, is well reviewed. Let them know you’re available to talk about any questions they might have.

A conversation about puberty allows you to segue naturally into the basics of sex. You can explain that girls’ and boys’ bodies change in preparation for creating babies later in life, after they develop a very close and loving relationship with someone. You then have to judge for yourself if this or another time is best to explain, frankly, how sex occurs. For many kids, these details might be best addressed in a separate conversation a year or two later. Other children will ask a lot of questions during a discussion about puberty, in which case you should be honest and to-the-point. “At this stage, keep the explanation brief and biologically based,” Dr. Braaten. To limit the chance that your child might share his new knowledge with a not-yet-informed classmate, make it clear that these conversations—just like sex itself—are very private and personal, and shouldn’t be discussed at school.

After the basic pre-teen sex talk, regularly take advantage of opportunities to talk about tougher topics.

Once your children are teens, you’ll want to talk to them about birth control and safe sex. Take every opportunity to discuss these subjects when they arise organically: like when the topic is discussed in a movie you’re watching together, or when your child talks about something that’s happening to a friend.

Every so often, a kid will ask a difficult question totally out of the blue, or in an inopportune place. If you’re not ready to address it thoughtfully, says Dr. Braaten, you can always say, ‘That’s a really good question but I’m not sure how to answer it right now. I’m going to think about it and get back to you—promise.’ And be sure to follow up within a day or two.

Finally, try to be non-judgmental whenever possible, and make sure you allow everything to be on the table. That way, your child will be more apt to come to you when they’re having a problem. “Parents tend to be naïve about their kids sexuality—it’s jarring to find out that a 13-year-old girl knows about or is even doing a lot of things that seem very ‘adult,’” says Dr. Braaten. “But kids today are exposed to more sexual conversation and images than ever before, from the Internet to everyday commercials. It can be shocking and confusing to them. As hard or uncomfortable as it may be, stay ahead of the curve. You want to be the person they go to with the tough questions.”

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Can Reading Build Character?

February 5, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

I love to read, and always have. As a child, I pored over almost any piece of print I could get my hands on. Around age 9, I finished my mom’s copy of Erma Bombeck’s Motherhood: The Second Oldest Profession in a weekend. What did I know about childbirth and laundry? Nothing. But I had read and re-read all of my own books and needed to crack open something. (On a side note, that book still holds up today. My favorite passage: Erma describes lying in bed on Mother’s Day morning and overhearing, from the kitchen, “don’t you dare bleed on mom’s breakfast.”)

Last evening, when I discovered my oldest son, heretofore interested primarily in Ninja-heavy comics, tearing into his fifth Harry Potter book, my heart swelled. Yes, it suggested I share a common interest with my 8-year-old son beyond black raspberry ice cream. But I’m also hoping that recent research is on the mark: that reading may build not just literacy, but kids’ character, too.

In the fall, a psychologist from York University revealed the results of a study that showed that children who were most exposed to narrative fiction at home scored high on measures of empathy. Earlier studies demonstrated that reading children books that celebrate honest behavior (like George Washington and the Cherry Tree) led kids to act more honestly themselves, and that an interest in Harry Potter books, specifically, was associated with a greater sympathy for stigmatized groups.

Unfortunately, as our kids are more scheduled than ever with homework and extracurriculars, and devoting precious free time to their digital companions, pleasure reading is on the wane. In just the past four years, the number of kids who say they love reading books just for fun has dropped nearly 10 percent. Twelve percent of kids said they didn’t like reading at all.

I’m hoping that the tide turns back to make good stories more appealing to more kids soon. That might require teachers to be confident enough to schedule more free reading periods into the school day, and parents (myself included) to protect blocks of weekend time for the sole purpose of reading for fun, as a family. Need some fresh titles? Here are some picks from the American Library Association’s just-released list of the best children’s books of 2015.

Preschooler

The Adventures of Beekle: The Unimaginary Friend by Dan Santat (2015 Caldecott Medal Winner)
Beekle (a crowned white gumdrop of lovable cuteness) lives on a fantastic island with other creatures “waiting to be imagined by a real child.” After seeing his companions leave, one by one, Beekle loses faith that he will ever “be picked and given a special name,” and so he does “the unimaginable” and ventures forth to find his friend. —Kirkus Reviews

Early Reader

You Are (Not) Small by Anna Kang and Christopher Weyant (2015 Seuss Award winner)
Fuzzy, bearlike creatures of different sizes relate to one another in an amusing story that explores the relative nature of size…While the story itself seems simple, the concepts are pertinent to several important social issues such as bullying and racism, as well as understanding point of view. Charming characters, a clever plot and a quiet message tucked inside a humorous tale. —Kirkus Reviews

Ages 9-12

The Crossover by Kwame Alexander (2015 Newbery Medal Winner)
An accomplished author and poet, Alexander eloquently mashes up concrete poetry, hip-hop, a love of jazz, and a thriving family bond. The effect is poetry in motion. It is a rare verse novel that is fundamentally poetic rather than using this writing trend as a device. There is also a quirky vocabulary element that adds a fun intellectual note to the narrative. This may be just the right book for those hard-to-match youth who live for sports or music or both. —Booklist

Ages 10 and up

Brown Girl Dreaming by Jacqueline Woodson (2015 Coretta Scott King Book Award winner)
Woodson cherishes her memories and shares them with a graceful lyricism; her lovingly wrought vignettes of country and city streets will linger long after the page is turned. For every dreaming girl (and boy) with a pencil in hand (or keyboard) and a story to share. —Kirkus Reviews

Teens

I’ll Give You the Sun by Jandy Nelson (2015 Printz Award winner)
Fraternal twins and burgeoning artists Jude and Noah are inseparable until puberty hits and they find themselves competing for a spot at an exclusive art school, and their parents’ affections. Told in alternating perspectives and time lines, with Noah’s chapters taking place when they are 13 and Jude’s when they are 16, this novel explores how it’s the people closest to us who have the power to both rend us utterly and knit us together. —School Library Journal

7 Ways to Improve Kids’ Social Skills

January 21, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

For some children, making conversation comes easy. For others, it’s hard work. Talking with a classmate on the bus, greeting a teacher, or even just taking turns chatting around the dinner table can feel painful, or just plain impossible.

Kids with ADHD, anxiety, depression, autism, Asperger’s Disorder, and other developmental disabilities are especially likely to struggle with these social skills, but they’re not the only ones. Given the amount of time that children spend in front of screens these days, all kids are getting less and less practice developing the ability to communicate—in real time—with others. A 2012 Stanford study showed that girls who spent the most time on a wide variety of tech devices (even social media) were at highest risk for social problems. Clearly, even as kids text more and talk less, face-to-face connection remains the building block of friendships.

Regardless of their age or whether they have a diagnosed social disorder or not, “all kids can benefit from making the most of their interactions with others,” says Polly Dunn, Ph.D, a Happy Healthy Kids advisory board member, child psychologist, and author of the Child Psych Mom blog. With the help of Dr. Dunn and some other psychology resources, we’ve gathered some tips for helping kids develop the social skills they need now—and in the future.

1. Teach her F.E.V.E.R. Dr. Dunn uses this acronym to teach kids and their parents what to think about when talking to someone else:
F—Face the person when talking
E—Maintain eye contact
V—Keep volume at a reasonable level: don’t be too soft or too loud
E—Think about your facial expression: Smile or be serious when appropriate
R—Relax! Try to not be anxious or tense.
You can teach your kids what F.E.V.E.R. stands for, and before a meeting with a teacher, or a playdate, or a visit with extended family, remind them to “remember fever.”

2. Praise positive social interactions. We praise our kids for good schoolwork, behavior, and extracurricular accomplishments; Dr. Dunn says we should give them props when they display positive social mannerisms, too. When your child looks another grown-up in the eye, answers a question clearly and promptly, or uses good manners at the table, point it out—and compliment him on it.

3. Model friendliness and good manners. You can’t expect your children to develop strong social skills if you aren’t modeling them. Show them how to strike up a conversation with the mailman or a neighbor, listen to a story without interrupting, ask follow-up questions, and stash your phone out of sight when talking with anyone (be it a best friend or barista).

4. Find a group-oriented extracurricular activity your child loves.Sports, clubs, or religious groups can give children extra practice perfecting their social skills. Be sure your child chooses the activity: the more engaged and excited she is about what she’s doing, the more likely she’ll be to want to work together and communicate with others.

5. Use opportunities for your child to talk on the telephone, FaceTime or Skype. You can’t mumble on the phone or over FaceTime or Skype and expect the person you’re speaking with to understand you. Sharing news from school or home with a distant family member or friend is a great way to help kids learn the importance of speaking clearly and thoughtfully.

6. Consider getting a pet. While researchers caution that more studies need to be done to establish a strong link, a recent study out of the University of Missouri suggested that autistic kids were more likely to display socially assertive behaviors (like answering people’s questions, introducing themselves, and asking for information) if they had pets. By establishing themselves as such an important and kid-friendly part of a household, pets may give shy or withdrawn children something to talk about. Past research has shown that pets are linked to greater empathy and social confidence in typically developing kids, too.

7. If your child is still struggling, look for a social skills class in your area. As diagnoses of conditions with social impairments have grown, so have the availability of social skills training classes, in which a trained professional guides groups of like-aged kids to start and sustain conversations. Dr. Dunn has seen children who have prolonged trouble interacting with kids or adults, making friends, or are painfully shy really benefit from these classes. Ask your child’s doctor or guidance counselor for ideas, or check out this list maintained by the Asperger and Autism Network (AANE).

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