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Surviving End-of-School-Year Stress

May 11, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

When did sunny, celebration-filled May surpass chilly, budget-blowing December as moms’ most annoying month the year?

Maybe it has always been this way, or perhaps growing children—with their growing commitments, cruelly concentrated at the end of the school year—is just now making me feel this way. In any event, I can’t remember any periods in my parenting life where I’ve felt like our family’s work-life combo platter has been piled quite this high. The kids, meanwhile, spend most of their time hopping around like monkeys, vacillating between overexcitement and burnout.

Thankfully, Cory Halaby has shared with us her five top tips for keeping everyone sane during this crazy-busy time. Trained by Oprah magazine columnist Martha Beck, Halaby is a life coach, yoga instructor, meditation enthusiast, and mother of two middle schoolers. In the wisest, gentlest, most inspiring way imaginable, she coaches moms who want to love what they do all day right now, and when their kids are grown. Here are some thoughts she shared with me about juggling your commitments this spring, while also taking time to stop and smell the flowers.

Repeat after me, “Springtime is full of activity and change…and that’s okay.”

We can easily waste energy and create unnecessary upset when we’re wishing things were different than they are. As author and spiritual teacher, Byron Katie, often says, “When you argue with reality, you lose—but only 100% of the time.” If you’ve got kids in school and a few extracurricular activities, you’re going to be busier than usual. It’s temporary and it’s fine. You don’t have get everything right or do it perfectly. Just take a deep breath and do what you can.

Lean on your lists and check your calendar often.
These might sound like more chores, but believe me, you’ll be better able to relax and appreciate all of the end-of-year celebrations if you know when they are and what you’re supposed to bring. For the next few weeks, set aside five quiet minutes (it might mean waking up five minutes earlier) to write down every task, and keep a sharp eye on your calendar for random half-days, extra rehearsals, field trips, etc.

Take time to savor the day’s highlights.
Our brains are wired with a negative bias, meaning we remember disasters vividly for years and forget sweet moments quickly. Even if your day was replete with tantrums, tardiness, and a trip to the emergency room, there were probably some good laughs and small triumphs in the mix. You can talk about them at dinner, write them down, or just think of a few as you brush you teeth before bed.

Get on the same page as your spouse or partner.
Explain the nature of springtime for you if your co-parent isn’t already clued in. Detail your hopes, concerns and fears, as well as the types of support you could use. Be ready to listen and offer support as well. (Brené Brown writes beautifully about vulnerability and the power of being honest about your hopes and fears with your spouse. It sounds uncomfortable, but will make your relationship a gazillion times stronger and more satisfying. You probably don’t have time to read her right now, but add Daring Greatly or The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting to your summer reading/listening list.)

Do your best with all of the above, but whether things go well or not, be kind to yourself.
That’s right: Be kind to yourself. (It’s worth repeating.) Your children are learning from your example. When this and many more spring seasons have come and gone, they will have internalized kindness to see them through. They will learn it from you.
Here’s an image to help with that last bit, the kindness part: Picture a little kid in a dance recital, the kind you might be buying tights and bobby pins for this week. She’s excited and nervous. She’s been practicing new skills all year and is ready to shine, but she’s out of her comfort zone on stage and not sure how it’s going to go. She really doesn’t want to be embarrassed or let anyone down. From the audience you can see how totally adorable this kid is. You see her being brave and trying her best. You hope she will be able to think on her feet, trust herself and have a ball up there. You hope it all goes perfectly, but if it doesn’t, if a shoe flies off or a step is forgotten, you still love that kid. You still just want her to have great time being herself. What else is dancing for?
Now see how much you are like that kid. You’ve been practicing new skills all year and now it’s time to show them off. You can organize and prepare for activities, be present and compassionate with your kids, guard sleep and healthy food habits, remember the permission slips, sunscreen, bandaids, baseball mitts and bug-spray, all with a little more intensity than usual. Trust yourself. Bust a move. If it all goes sideways, you’ll have good story material to laugh about later. You are still totally adorable. Enjoy yourself. What else is living for?To learn more from and about Cory Halaby, check out her website.

9 Podcasts Worth Listening to Now

April 16, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

In the #sorrynotsorry category of parenting, I admit that I listen to podcasts around the house all the time. When I discovered about two years ago that there was a way to stimulate my brain and funny bone while also slogging away on household minutia—and that it didn’t involve a screen, which causes my kids to drop everything stare, even if it were BBC—it was a revelation. I can deal with stuff at my desk, clean the kitchen, fold laundry, and even—ok, #justalittlesorry—play hide-and-seek—all while learning, from real, intelligent adults, about Isis, genomic testing, a great new slow cooker recipe, or really solid parenting advice. If my kids are otherwise engaged, they don’t seem to notice or really care, and I swear, if I really need to pay attention to what’s going on, I put just one earbud in. (Kidding! I really do have limits.) But seriously, I consider podcast listening to be multitasking for the mind and soul. It’s also a great distraction during a run.

I’m listing my faves, here. Some are podcasts designed to inspire a listener to become a better parent; others indirectly inspire me to be a better parent because they give me more things to think about than what’s going on in my little house, in my little neighborhood, in my little town. They are all FREE, and easy to subscribe to or cherry pick interesting-looking episodes from, using the iTunes or Stitcher apps. Happy listening!

Mom and Dad are Fighting. Slate editors Allison Benedikt and Dan Kois are smart, dry, and hilariously honest about parenting life in our crazy-busy times. A highlight is their regular”Parenting Triumphs and Fails” segment.
Take a listen: Is My Kid a Narcissist?

Zen Parenting Radio. Though based outside of Chicago, ZPR is going to appeal to anyone who’d like to be more calm and balanced as a parent (or person). And Cathy and Todd Adams, who are married with three girls, are just about the nicest two people you’d ever hope to listen to on the radio. They’re also pop-culture junkies and have a funny, familiar rapport—you kind of feel like you’re sitting across from couple-friends at dinner while listening to them (is that a little stalker-ish?)
Take a listen: Actions Express Priorities

The Longest Shortest Time. What’s genius about this sometimes funny, sometimes heartbreaking podcast, which draws heavily from early parenthood experiences, is how host Hillary Frank often focuses on a single person’s (often very moving) story to illustrate a larger point about family life. And it’s fearless: One recent episode brought in sex columnist Dan Savage to talk about sex after parenthood, and it was no-holds-barred.
Take a listen: When Are You Gonna Be Normal Again?

Radiolab. Hosts Jad Abumrad and Robert Krulwich are clearly endlessly curious and deeply intelligent guys who use episodes to explore a single, usually deeply puzzling phenomenon in the realm of science, art, history, law, or human nature. Some are appropriate for curious older kids (like the brilliant “Colors.“)
Take a listen: 23 Weeks, 6 Days

America’s Test Kitchen. This is more than a cooking show: Cook’s Illustrated founder Christopher Kimball, test kitchen guru Bridget Lancaster and the rest of their team do talk about cooking tips, kitchen gadgets and wine pairings, but also the history and culture of food.
Take a listen: The New Theory of Evolution: Cooking Made us Human!

Freakonomics Radio. Economist Steven Levitt and writer Stephen Dubner have used their bestselling 2005 book as a launchpad for this quirky, fascinating podcast in which they explore cultural phenomena through data and economic theory. It’s far from wonky—you’ll feel like you’ve just sat in the world’s most entertaining Econ lecture after every episode.
Take a listen: Is College Really Worth It?

This American Life. This hugely popular program has about a million listeners downloading it each week, and if you’re new to podcasts, this is a good place to start. Each week, Ira Glass and his crew share real-life stories around certain themes related to culture, psychology, politics, or just family life.
Take a listen: Switched at Birth

Serial. This American Life spinoff and now most-listened to podcast in the history of the genre will be back with a second season at some as-yet-to-be-announced date later the year, and for any of us who hung on host Sarah Koenig’s every word about the fascinating murder trial of teenager Adnan Syed in season 1, that time can’t come soon enough. The idea is that Koenig digs into the intricacies and unexplored mysteries of one true story over the course of entire season. Haven’t listened yet? You can listen to the entirety of Season 1 now—I challenge you to not binge-listen.
Take a listen: Season 1, Episode 1: The Alibi

Fresh Air. With her naturalness and curiosity and even sometimes-awkwardness, Terry Gross is the best interviewer in the business. For each one-hour show she gets a celebrity or writer or thinker to talk about his or her life and work, in depth.
Take a listen: Conversation with Maurice Sendak

“More” Isn’t Key to Time with Kids

April 2, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

This is part of a series I’m calling “Guilt Busters”: Research-proven reasons to cut yourself some slack. More here.

Studies show that today’s parents spend more time with their kids than ever. And yet, I’m going to hazard a guess that whether you work out of home or stay at home, you probably feel you aren’t spending as much time with your kids as you think you should. More floor time, reading time, talk time, toss-a-ball-together time—all of those things would be great, if only we didn’t have to make a living, keep a habitable house, and communicate with other adults on occasion. But recent research from the University of Toronto and reported by The Washington Post’s Brigid Schulte tells us that more isn’t necessarily better when it comes to the time parents spend with kids.

In the first major longitudinal study of its kind, Toronto sociologists found that the number of hours mothers spend with children ages 3 to 11 has no effect on kids’ grades, behavior, emotional health, or more than a dozen other well-being measures. For teens, there was a small positive association between the amount of time spent with mothers and lower risk of delinquent behaviors, but no other health measures. And for those days when you’re stressed, sleep-deprived, or anxious? Spending more time with kids and teens actually has a negative impact on their well-being.

Study authors emphasize previous research showing that high-quality interactions—reading, sharing meals, exhibiting warmth—are beneficial for kids. What doesn’t seem to matter is the sheer quantity of time.

What’s the takeaway? For me, I’m going to worry less about hiring a sitter, signing the kids up for after school, or retreating to my office when I have extra work to do; but think a little more about what we are doing, as a family, when the articles, chores, and emails are done. Taking an hour to get my life in order, in peace, and then devoting the next hour to take a walk or play is far better for everyone than two hours in which kids are begging for attention while I tap away on my phone. Ironically, spending less time with my kids might actually take a bit more proactive scheduling and discipline on my part. But it just makes sense, doesn’t it? I’ll report back on how it goes.

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The Wisdom of an Irish Blessing

March 17, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

I’ve never been one for aphorisms, but every so often, I’ll come across a few lines, usually poetry, that speak truth to me. Not long after having my third child, my mother-in-law passed along a poem. It was entitled, “On the Birth of a Child in Ireland.” After a little digging, I discovered that these lines were written by the Irish poet Daniel Kelleher, to honor the christening of the son of the Irish diplomat (and future ambassador to the U.S.), T.J. Kiernan. Ambassador Kiernan read the poem to John F. Kennedy after his son John, Jr. was born in 1960. When John, Jr. died in 1999, his uncle Ted Kennedy recited the poem again, at his eulogy.

I keep a photocopy of it in my bathroom drawer to get a peek of it everyday. It helps remind me, amidst the pressures and minutia of everyday modern life, what I really want for my children: curiosity, gratitude, and love, love, and more love.

Beauty is in the Eye of the Bear Holder

March 3, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

This is not a scientific observation, but I think it’s safe to say that among most inhabitants of a northern latitude, body image doesn’t exactly peak this time of year. When the seasonal trends lean toward freezing temperatures, flu outbreaks, and post-Valentine’s day chocolate sales, many of us are tempted to put on yoga pants, put off exercise, and throw a drop cloth over the full-length mirrors.

Suffice it to say, I was a little mopey this morning when attempting to find suitable attire for a trip to an indoor water park with the boys at the end of the week (a prospect gloomier to many than mid-winter thigh exposure, I realize). I dug around the bathing drawer and pulled out the black Speedo that’s seen me through seven years of Mommy-and-Me swim classes, and pulled it on.

“Ugh!” I muttered to myself, catching a glimpse in the mirror.

A little voice piped up behind me. It was my three-year-old son, who was holding a stuffed bear in the crook of one arm, and a box of Mini Wheats in the other. “Fast!” he said, reaching a tiny hand up to touch the shiny black material that stretched over my hip. “You look fast, mommy!”

I had to laugh. My son didn’t see the flaws that were obvious to me. He saw a material that resembled something worn by Catwoman in the book we had read the night before, Feline Felonies, and maybe even a not-yet-totally-atrophied muscle or two. What is a Speedo for, after all, but speed? To my pre-pubescent boys, a bathing suit—whether for them or mom or the sassy 18-year-old lifeguard at the pool—still has nothing to do with looking good, and everything to do with what you can do in it.

Unfortunately, kids of both sexes seem to be losing sight of this at earlier and earlier ages. A few years ago, I wrote a Parents magazine article, “Kids Who Won’t Eat”, and found that rising awareness about childhood obesity has been a bit of a double-edged sword, as an obsession for body and diet perfection in some circles seems to be trickling down from parents to kids. A recent report by Common Sense Media, meanwhile, showed that half of girls and one-third of boys ages 6 to 8 think the ideal body size is thinner than the one they have. Some of this has to do with what kids see on their phones and TVs, with the rise of the Photoshopped selfie and increasingly unrealistic media portrayals (a whopping 87 percent of teenage TV characters are underweight). But some of it has to do with the way we respond to those media images, directly or indirectly, ourselves. According to Common Sense’s data, five-to-eight year olds who think their moms are dissatisfied with their bodies are more likely to be bummed out by their own bodies, too.

Parenting experts talk a lot about role modeling behavior for our kids: that the best way to get them to do something is to do it ourselves. Clearly, this extends to treating our bodies with respect. This means eating well, not smoking, and exercising, yes, but also not bad-mouthing the body parts that have served us—and them!—through childhood, childbirth, and child-rearing. In another recent study, when kidshealth.org and Discovery Girls magazine asked 2,400 women if they thought they were beautiful, only 41 percent of moms responded yes. But when their daughters were asked if their mothers were beautiful, 91 percent said yes. How else are they going to feel about the person who’s created them, fed them, stayed up all night with them when they were sick or scared, and hurdled waves to save a broken toy pail they loved? My guess is that when these children say their moms are beautiful, they aren’t considering rock-hard abs or perfectly groomed eyebrows in the mix.

As winter turns to spring and we emerge from our homes and our chunky sweaters, I’m going to think back to my three-year-old’s comment whenever I start to question whether I have any business wearing a certain article of clothing, or trying a new exercise class, or jumping off the golf club diving board. There are few things that wear better than contentedness and confidence, and they can be passed down, to girls and boys, both.

Can Reading Build Character?

February 5, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

I love to read, and always have. As a child, I pored over almost any piece of print I could get my hands on. Around age 9, I finished my mom’s copy of Erma Bombeck’s Motherhood: The Second Oldest Profession in a weekend. What did I know about childbirth and laundry? Nothing. But I had read and re-read all of my own books and needed to crack open something. (On a side note, that book still holds up today. My favorite passage: Erma describes lying in bed on Mother’s Day morning and overhearing, from the kitchen, “don’t you dare bleed on mom’s breakfast.”)

Last evening, when I discovered my oldest son, heretofore interested primarily in Ninja-heavy comics, tearing into his fifth Harry Potter book, my heart swelled. Yes, it suggested I share a common interest with my 8-year-old son beyond black raspberry ice cream. But I’m also hoping that recent research is on the mark: that reading may build not just literacy, but kids’ character, too.

In the fall, a psychologist from York University revealed the results of a study that showed that children who were most exposed to narrative fiction at home scored high on measures of empathy. Earlier studies demonstrated that reading children books that celebrate honest behavior (like George Washington and the Cherry Tree) led kids to act more honestly themselves, and that an interest in Harry Potter books, specifically, was associated with a greater sympathy for stigmatized groups.

Unfortunately, as our kids are more scheduled than ever with homework and extracurriculars, and devoting precious free time to their digital companions, pleasure reading is on the wane. In just the past four years, the number of kids who say they love reading books just for fun has dropped nearly 10 percent. Twelve percent of kids said they didn’t like reading at all.

I’m hoping that the tide turns back to make good stories more appealing to more kids soon. That might require teachers to be confident enough to schedule more free reading periods into the school day, and parents (myself included) to protect blocks of weekend time for the sole purpose of reading for fun, as a family. Need some fresh titles? Here are some picks from the American Library Association’s just-released list of the best children’s books of 2015.

Preschooler

The Adventures of Beekle: The Unimaginary Friend by Dan Santat (2015 Caldecott Medal Winner)
Beekle (a crowned white gumdrop of lovable cuteness) lives on a fantastic island with other creatures “waiting to be imagined by a real child.” After seeing his companions leave, one by one, Beekle loses faith that he will ever “be picked and given a special name,” and so he does “the unimaginable” and ventures forth to find his friend. —Kirkus Reviews

Early Reader

You Are (Not) Small by Anna Kang and Christopher Weyant (2015 Seuss Award winner)
Fuzzy, bearlike creatures of different sizes relate to one another in an amusing story that explores the relative nature of size…While the story itself seems simple, the concepts are pertinent to several important social issues such as bullying and racism, as well as understanding point of view. Charming characters, a clever plot and a quiet message tucked inside a humorous tale. —Kirkus Reviews

Ages 9-12

The Crossover by Kwame Alexander (2015 Newbery Medal Winner)
An accomplished author and poet, Alexander eloquently mashes up concrete poetry, hip-hop, a love of jazz, and a thriving family bond. The effect is poetry in motion. It is a rare verse novel that is fundamentally poetic rather than using this writing trend as a device. There is also a quirky vocabulary element that adds a fun intellectual note to the narrative. This may be just the right book for those hard-to-match youth who live for sports or music or both. —Booklist

Ages 10 and up

Brown Girl Dreaming by Jacqueline Woodson (2015 Coretta Scott King Book Award winner)
Woodson cherishes her memories and shares them with a graceful lyricism; her lovingly wrought vignettes of country and city streets will linger long after the page is turned. For every dreaming girl (and boy) with a pencil in hand (or keyboard) and a story to share. —Kirkus Reviews

Teens

I’ll Give You the Sun by Jandy Nelson (2015 Printz Award winner)
Fraternal twins and burgeoning artists Jude and Noah are inseparable until puberty hits and they find themselves competing for a spot at an exclusive art school, and their parents’ affections. Told in alternating perspectives and time lines, with Noah’s chapters taking place when they are 13 and Jude’s when they are 16, this novel explores how it’s the people closest to us who have the power to both rend us utterly and knit us together. —School Library Journal

7 Ways to Improve Kids’ Social Skills

January 21, 2015 by Kelley Leave a Comment

For some children, making conversation comes easy. For others, it’s hard work. Talking with a classmate on the bus, greeting a teacher, or even just taking turns chatting around the dinner table can feel painful, or just plain impossible.

Kids with ADHD, anxiety, depression, autism, Asperger’s Disorder, and other developmental disabilities are especially likely to struggle with these social skills, but they’re not the only ones. Given the amount of time that children spend in front of screens these days, all kids are getting less and less practice developing the ability to communicate—in real time—with others. A 2012 Stanford study showed that girls who spent the most time on a wide variety of tech devices (even social media) were at highest risk for social problems. Clearly, even as kids text more and talk less, face-to-face connection remains the building block of friendships.

Regardless of their age or whether they have a diagnosed social disorder or not, “all kids can benefit from making the most of their interactions with others,” says Polly Dunn, Ph.D, a Happy Healthy Kids advisory board member, child psychologist, and author of the Child Psych Mom blog. With the help of Dr. Dunn and some other psychology resources, we’ve gathered some tips for helping kids develop the social skills they need now—and in the future.

1. Teach her F.E.V.E.R. Dr. Dunn uses this acronym to teach kids and their parents what to think about when talking to someone else:
F—Face the person when talking
E—Maintain eye contact
V—Keep volume at a reasonable level: don’t be too soft or too loud
E—Think about your facial expression: Smile or be serious when appropriate
R—Relax! Try to not be anxious or tense.
You can teach your kids what F.E.V.E.R. stands for, and before a meeting with a teacher, or a playdate, or a visit with extended family, remind them to “remember fever.”

2. Praise positive social interactions. We praise our kids for good schoolwork, behavior, and extracurricular accomplishments; Dr. Dunn says we should give them props when they display positive social mannerisms, too. When your child looks another grown-up in the eye, answers a question clearly and promptly, or uses good manners at the table, point it out—and compliment him on it.

3. Model friendliness and good manners. You can’t expect your children to develop strong social skills if you aren’t modeling them. Show them how to strike up a conversation with the mailman or a neighbor, listen to a story without interrupting, ask follow-up questions, and stash your phone out of sight when talking with anyone (be it a best friend or barista).

4. Find a group-oriented extracurricular activity your child loves.Sports, clubs, or religious groups can give children extra practice perfecting their social skills. Be sure your child chooses the activity: the more engaged and excited she is about what she’s doing, the more likely she’ll be to want to work together and communicate with others.

5. Use opportunities for your child to talk on the telephone, FaceTime or Skype. You can’t mumble on the phone or over FaceTime or Skype and expect the person you’re speaking with to understand you. Sharing news from school or home with a distant family member or friend is a great way to help kids learn the importance of speaking clearly and thoughtfully.

6. Consider getting a pet. While researchers caution that more studies need to be done to establish a strong link, a recent study out of the University of Missouri suggested that autistic kids were more likely to display socially assertive behaviors (like answering people’s questions, introducing themselves, and asking for information) if they had pets. By establishing themselves as such an important and kid-friendly part of a household, pets may give shy or withdrawn children something to talk about. Past research has shown that pets are linked to greater empathy and social confidence in typically developing kids, too.

7. If your child is still struggling, look for a social skills class in your area. As diagnoses of conditions with social impairments have grown, so have the availability of social skills training classes, in which a trained professional guides groups of like-aged kids to start and sustain conversations. Dr. Dunn has seen children who have prolonged trouble interacting with kids or adults, making friends, or are painfully shy really benefit from these classes. Ask your child’s doctor or guidance counselor for ideas, or check out this list maintained by the Asperger and Autism Network (AANE).

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Can Empathy Be Taught?

November 19, 2014 by Kelley Leave a Comment

One of my greatest memories of living in New York City as a new parent is a simple one. It was six years ago, and my oldest son was two. We were playing around a fountain at a neighboring apartment complex, and a little girl was sitting cross-legged on the pavement, sobbing. My son stopped his scooter, looked at her for a moment, and then walked over to the child and solemnly embraced her for a minute or two. He didn’t know her, but wanted to hug her. I remember thinking at that moment: my son is kind. And it filled me with warm feelings. (Feelings I try to return to, in “Calgon, take me away” fashion, when that same son is yelling at his younger brother for breathing on his Lego ship without permission.)

Turns out there’s a good reason why that moment impacted me so much. A recent study suggests that the ability to demonstrate empathy at a very young age is a surprisingly good predictor of later behavior. University of Michigan researchers collected data on 240 children at age 3, and took note if they demonstrated certain behavioral red-flags, and then studied the children again at age 6. Turns out that preschoolers whose parents thought they showed “callous or unemotional” behavior, notably a lack of empathy, were especially likely to have behavioral problems in first grade. This lack of empathy was an even more powerful predictor of later trouble than traits like inattentiveness and defiance.

The silver lining of this glum finding, say researchers, is that empathy, unlike some other personal characteristics, can be successfully nurtured, especially in little kids. Study co-author and University of Michigan psychology professor Luke Hyde singled out Parent Management Training, a treatment model used by many child psychologists who care for families of conduct-challenged kids, as a good starting point for parents who want to help their little ones be kinder and more aware of others’ feelings.

On its Facebook page, the Parent Management Training Institute posted a piece about helping children learn empathy. They offer these three useful tips, which I paraphrase here. I hope to practice all three with my kids—even, and perhaps especially, my three-year-old—in the coming months.

Model empathic behaviors whenever possible. Isn’t this the case with so many good parenting practices? Talk often about how others are feeling, and how you might be able to help them.

When your child says something negative about a peer, counter them with positivity. It’s common for children to focus on something a person is doing wrong. When they voice a negative observation out loud—”Tara is bad at basketball,” is the example used by the PMTI—don’t just say, “that’s not nice.” Prompt them to be more understanding in the future by offering insights into possible reasons the target of the observation is having trouble (“Tara just started the sport; remember when you did?”) or pointing out other ways in which the person shines.

Be a storyteller of kindness. Kids often respond to true stories about kind deeds and actions more than abstract reminders. Tell them about how you or someone they know has lent a helping hand, or relate an inspiring story from the news.

I’m going to add a final one: Do something selfless together. Next week, look for a post about simple ways even the littlest members of your family can give to others in need this holiday season.

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It’s O.K. to Not Always Be O.K.

November 4, 2014 by Kelley Leave a Comment

Do you try to hide messy emotions from your kids? I know I do—mostly out of a belief that parents need to be strong and stoic in order for children to feel “secure.”

This came to mind recently, when I found out that a beloved uncle had unexpectedly passed away. I got the call on a Friday, and my children were lounging on the couch reading nearby. They immediately sensed from my tone on the phone that something was wrong. I had no time to make sense of the call and “smooth over” my grief before my eight- and six-year-olds were on top of me with questions. As I told them what happened, the tears spilled over. But instead of being perplexed and disturbed, the boys solemnly embraced me. “I’m so sorry, mom,” they said.

Cathy Cassani Adams, LCSW, one-half of the parenting duo that hosts my favorite podcast, Zen Parenting Radio, is a strong believer in emoting in front of children—and, sometimes even trickier, allowing them to do the same. She eloquently expands on this in a chapter of her just-released second book, Living What You Want Your Kids to Learn: The Power of Self-Aware Parenting. She’s shared an excerpt with HHK, below.

Why feeling emotion is essential for you and your kids

(an excerpt from Living What You Want Your Kids to Learn: The Power of Self-Aware Parenting, Be U publishing, 2014)

Wouldn’t it be great if we could just feel the good feelings? If we could bypass what makes us feel disappointed, sad, or uncomfortable?

While it would be wonderful to just feel love, joy, and a sense of peace, emotions are a package deal. We either feel them all, or it’s difficult to feel anything at all.

This doesn’t mean we have to suffer when painful feelings arise. To illustrate what I mean, we can acknowledge anxiety without becoming a worrier. We can feel the injustice of something without flying into a rage. Emotions don’t have to become a mode of being.

Too often we feel something, then push it away for fear of becoming angry, weak, or extremely sad. When we do so, we suppress the natural signals our body sends us to keep us aware.

Denying what we are feeling leads to a state of repression. Shoved out of sight, the emotion morphs into a state, such as constant anxiety, impatience, or a critical spirit. Such dysfunctional patterns of behavior become a hallmark of our personality. Consequently, we’re mad at everything, but we don’t know why; or sad much of the time, without anything in particular causing us sadness in the moment.

Emotions aren’t the problem. It’s our inability to fully feel our emotions that gets us in trouble. If we would just allow a feeling to come up, let the tears flow, face up to whatever it’s about—such as what’s making us angry—the emotion wouldn’t fester. Once acknowledged and felt, it can be released. Then we don’t waste our valuable energy pretending not to feel a certain way when we obviously do, or telling ourselves and others that things don’t bother us when everyone can see how bothered we are.

Distracting ourselves from what we are feeling—denying our emotions—is commonly referred to as numbing. This takes many forms, such as excessive use of alcohol, overeating, indulging in drugs or medicating ourselves, being a shopaholic, spending all our spare time with technology, and staying busy, which is the most socially acceptable form of numbing. How often do we keep ourselves busy so that we don’t have to deal with how we’re truly feeling? By being perpetually busy, we keep our focus away from what’s going on inside us, preferring anything to having to feel.

The really sad part about this is that anything going on inside us isn’t trying to harm us. It doesn’t come into our lives to hurt us. Rather, it’s trying to heal us, moving us toward greater wholeness. Its objective is to help us let go of something we no longer need in our lives, which enables us to return to a more peaceful way of being.

Children get this. They know how to have a good cry, and they know how to express disapproval or call out something that seems unjust. But what do we do when they express what they are feeling? We order them to “stop it.” We tell them they are being manipulative, too dramatic, or insensitive. In this way, we teach them their emotions aren’t desirable. So they learn to numb out and pretend.

What if we felt our feelings instead? What if we actually accepted our emotions, neither reacting to them nor suppressing them, but allowing them to pass through us?

To take this approach to our emotions is to appreciate our body’s natural ability to release what it doesn’t need. It also empowers us to teach our kids to do the same. We could share tools that would help them appropriately discuss and release whatever they may be feeling. In this way they learn to honor their feelings.

All of us—parents and children—need to embrace our emotions as normal, as an essential aspect of being human. Whether it’s a good feeling or not-so-good feeling, we all need to give ourselves and each other permission to feel it fully.

To read more of Cathy Cassani Adams’ newest book, buy it at Amazon, here.

Photo credits: Top: Sara Bjork, via Photo Pin, cc; bottom, Cathy Cassani Adams