For some children, making conversation comes easy. For others, it’s hard work. Talking with a classmate on the bus, greeting a teacher, or even just taking turns chatting around the dinner table can feel painful, or just plain impossible.
Kids with ADHD, anxiety, depression, autism, Asperger’s Disorder, and other developmental disabilities are especially likely to struggle with these social skills, but they’re not the only ones. Given the amount of time that children spend in front of screens these days, all kids are getting less and less practice developing the ability to communicate—in real time—with others. A 2012 Stanford study showed that girls who spent the most time on a wide variety of tech devices (even social media) were at highest risk for social problems. Clearly, even as kids text more and talk less, face-to-face connection remains the building block of friendships.
Regardless of their age or whether they have a diagnosed social disorder or not, “all kids can benefit from making the most of their interactions with others,” says Polly Dunn, Ph.D, a Happy Healthy Kids advisory board member, child psychologist, and author of the Child Psych Mom blog. With the help of Dr. Dunn and some other psychology resources, we’ve gathered some tips for helping kids develop the social skills they need now—and in the future.
1. Teach her F.E.V.E.R. Dr. Dunn uses this acronym to teach kids and their parents what to think about when talking to someone else:
F—Face the person when talking
E—Maintain eye contact
V—Keep volume at a reasonable level: don’t be too soft or too loud
E—Think about your facial expression: Smile or be serious when appropriate
R—Relax! Try to not be anxious or tense.
You can teach your kids what F.E.V.E.R. stands for, and before a meeting with a teacher, or a playdate, or a visit with extended family, remind them to “remember fever.”
2. Praise positive social interactions. We praise our kids for good schoolwork, behavior, and extracurricular accomplishments; Dr. Dunn says we should give them props when they display positive social mannerisms, too. When your child looks another grown-up in the eye, answers a question clearly and promptly, or uses good manners at the table, point it out—and compliment him on it.
3. Model friendliness and good manners. You can’t expect your children to develop strong social skills if you aren’t modeling them. Show them how to strike up a conversation with the mailman or a neighbor, listen to a story without interrupting, ask follow-up questions, and stash your phone out of sight when talking with anyone (be it a best friend or barista).
4. Find a group-oriented extracurricular activity your child loves.Sports, clubs, or religious groups can give children extra practice perfecting their social skills. Be sure your child chooses the activity: the more engaged and excited she is about what she’s doing, the more likely she’ll be to want to work together and communicate with others.
5. Use opportunities for your child to talk on the telephone, FaceTime or Skype. You can’t mumble on the phone or over FaceTime or Skype and expect the person you’re speaking with to understand you. Sharing news from school or home with a distant family member or friend is a great way to help kids learn the importance of speaking clearly and thoughtfully.
6. Consider getting a pet. While researchers caution that more studies need to be done to establish a strong link, a recent study out of the University of Missouri suggested that autistic kids were more likely to display socially assertive behaviors (like answering people’s questions, introducing themselves, and asking for information) if they had pets. By establishing themselves as such an important and kid-friendly part of a household, pets may give shy or withdrawn children something to talk about. Past research has shown that pets are linked to greater empathy and social confidence in typically developing kids, too.
7. If your child is still struggling, look for a social skills class in your area. As diagnoses of conditions with social impairments have grown, so have the availability of social skills training classes, in which a trained professional guides groups of like-aged kids to start and sustain conversations. Dr. Dunn has seen children who have prolonged trouble interacting with kids or adults, making friends, or are painfully shy really benefit from these classes. Ask your child’s doctor or guidance counselor for ideas, or check out this list maintained by the Asperger and Autism Network (AANE).
photo credit: Visual Punch via Photo Pin, cc
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