When they’re being bullied, girls are more likely to be positively affected by talking to their moms than boys are, according to new research out of the University of Michigan. Sharing their troubles with mom seems to help protect girls, but not boys, from later antisocial behavior that tends to affect kids who are bullied.
This might not surprise a lot of us, who assume that girls in general may be naturally “more connected” to their moms. But deeper data in the study reveal that something more might be at work. Turns out that moms are talking to their sons less than they’re talking to their daughters, generally. We may not be giving boys their fair share of opportunities to download their concerns and fears to us.
I know: You try. So do I. I’m sure I’m not the only mom of boys to experience a dynamic we begin to hear about as soon as people find out you’re carrying a child with XY chromosomes: a diminishment of open, spontaneous communication as our sons age. Whereas a lot of us enjoy cuddly, close, and chatty relationships with our toddler- and preschool-age sons, a foundation for a conversational wall seems to take shape around kindergarten, when simple questions—”what did you do for school today?”—are often met with monosyllabic answers, grunts, or silence. Sometimes, you’re left to rely on intel from a female classmate or her mother—who, between aisle 9 and 10 in the grocery store, will fill you in on who your son is playing with, how he did on his Spanish exam, and what’s he’s eating for lunch on Wednesdays.
But this study seems to suggest yet another reason that it’s worth our while to break down that conversational wall, early and often—even if takes some determined and, I suspect, more creative means of chipping away. Bullied kids aren’t just going through a “phase.” Along with being at higher risk for later antisocial behavior, bullied kids are more likely to suffer from depression and anxiety, which may persist into adulthood. They’re also more likely to exhibit decreased academic achievement and school participations than peers who don’t feel bullied.
Stopbullying.gov, the government campaign, has some helpful tips for encouraging kids to come to you if they’re having social difficulties at school. Their page “Keeping the Lines of Communication Open” seems particularly useful if you have a less-than-chatty son. I’m summarizing their tips, here.
Shoot to spend about 15 minutes a day talking to your kids about life in general. It can reassure them that they can talk to their parents if they have a problem. Here are some conversation starters:- What was one good thing that happened today? Any bad things?
- What is lunch time like at your school? Who do you sit with? What do you talk about?
- What is it like to ride the school bus?
- What are you good at? What would do you like best about yourself?
- What does “bullying” mean to you?
- Describe what kids who bully are like. Why do you think people bully?
- Who are the adults you trust most when it comes to things like bullying?
- Have you ever felt scared to go to school because you were afraid of bullying? What ways have you tried to change it?
- What do you think parents can do to help stop bullying?
- Have you or your friends left other kids out on purpose? Do you think that was bullying? Why or why not?
- What do you usually do when you see bullying going on?
- Do you ever see kids at your school being bullied by other kids? How does it make you feel?
- Have you ever tried to help someone who is being bullied? What happened? What would you do if it happens again?
For my own mental bulletin board, I would add that it’s important that we allow more space for kids, girls and boys both, to talk about the not-so-rosy parts of their life. I know I have to work really hard to avoid having that knee-jerk look of anguish when my boys reveal a mistake or concern, and that I too often push a “buck up” attitude when they’re down. When we respond to the good, bad, and ugly with gentleness and equanimity, the more likely our boys will feel like ours is a comfortable shoulder to lean on.
photo credit: Gratitude, via Photo Pin, cc
Very informative article with good solid suggestions for comfortable and meaningful communication with our boys!