You may have seen the viral “divorce selfie” making the rounds on social media: A woman and man, grinning like newlyweds, are posed in front of the courthouse where they had just obtained a divorce. “We’re smiling because we have done something extraordinary (we think anyway!),” posted Sharon Neuman. “We have respectfully, thoughtfully, and honorably ended our marriage in a way that will allow us to go forward as parenting partners for our children, the perfect reason that this always WAS meant to be, so they will never have to choose.”
It was refreshing—and rare. Making a decision to dissolve a marriage is hard enough. But add in the tricky emotions and complicated logistics of caregiving from two different households, and split parenting seems hardly seems to inspire happy selfies.
But psychologist Samantha Rodman, Ph.D. has a new book that shows parents how they can, 
truly, have a healthy, amicable divorce—if not the stuff of selfies, at least peaceful hand-offs and holidays. In How to Talk to Your Kids about Divorce, Dr. Rodman gives straightforward and sensitive advice for keeping children’s spirits up when their parents separate. Over e-mail, she shared with us some highlights from her book.
HHK: Do you think today’s kids are dealing with different issues when it comes to the subject of divorce than we did when we were growing up?
Dr. Rodman: I think that parents nowadays are a lot more child-centered, and this is a positive when it comes to divorce. Also, dads now want to spend a lot more time with their kids, and often spend an equal amount of time with their kids post-divorce. Divorce hit its peak in the 70’s and 80’s, and adult children of divorce are often much more cognizant of potential issues if they divorce themselves.
HHK: What are 1-2 of the most common traits of parents who tend to raise kids with a “healthy” perspective on their divorce or separation?
Dr. Rodman: These parents make sure not to blame each other or speak badly about each other to or in front of their children. Also, the parents are confident in themselves and their ability to bounce back after their divorce. They do not act like the divorce is the end of the world or the end of their lives, which allows children to feel more secure as well.
HHK: How about parents who aren’t splitting up, but have a lot of discord in their relationship? What are some things these moms and dads should be mindful of when it comes to their kids?
Dr. Rodman: Again, trash talking your child’s other parent is about the worst thing you can do psychologically to your child. As I discuss in your book, when you insult your child’s other parent, it’s like you’re insulting 50% of your child. Additionally, volatile or violent fighting in front of kids is very hard on them. Kids become scared when their parents seem out of control or unpredictable. If you find that you and your partner are unable to stay calm in front of the kids, it’s time to consider other options, like counseling or separation.
HHK: What are the biggest mistakes parents tend to make when talking to their kids about their relationship with their spouses or exes?
Dr. Rodman: Parents can say that the other parent never loved, wanted, or cared for the children, or is a “bad” person. A constant stream of remarks like these can poison children against their parent, which is called parental alienation and is a worst-case scenario that often leads to estrangement.
HHK: What are some of the most comforting things you can say to or do with a child who’s worried about his or her parents’ relationship?
Dr. Rodman: The best thing to do is reassure your child that nobody is to blame for the fighting, and it is just because the parents have different views or ways of doing things. If you are trying to stay together, tell your child that you will try your best not to fight anymore, and you should back this up by heading to couples counseling. If you feel that the marriage is likely headed toward divorce, start reassuring your child now that no matter what happens, and even if they don’t get along with each other, both parents will always love and treasure the children.
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