When our kids are babies and toddlers, parenting books and articles drill into us the importance of a so-called “bedtime routine.” We’re told that things like warm baths, dim lights, and quiet stories, especially when repeated in a certain order night after night, can help soothe kids into a blissful sleep. Many of us diligently follow this advice when our kids—especially our first kids, let’s be honest—are young. (My oldest child was even treated to a nightly “baby massage,” a perk that went the way of the diaper-wipe warmer and bottle sterilizer by the time his first brother arrived on the scene.) But what happens when they grow out of the Goodnight Moon stage? If they can bathe, dress, and maybe even read to themselves—and frankly aren’t begging you to join them at any step along the way to dreamland—what is our role at bedtime?
Photo by: Chris
Turns out, older children can benefit from our guidance and presence before bed, too, says Polly Dunn, Ph.D., an HHK advisoryboard member, child psychologist in Auburn, AL, and mom of four. Many have trouble managing homework time and turning off electronics, which can push back an ideal bedtime hour. According to a survey last spring by the National Sleep Foundation (NSF), our kids’ sleep quality declines steadily as they grow, and one-quarter of parents say their school-aged kids get one hour less of sleep each night than they need. Plus, while older children aren’t likely to fuss about the dark or scary noises coming the closet anymore, they may be grappling with bigger-world concerns and uncertainties, which can cause delayed or disrupted sleep even after they turn their lights out. This is particularly true during times of transition—like now. “Keeping kids relaxed at bedtime is hard no matter what their age, especially with the anxieties that accompany the start of the school year,” says Dr. Dunn. Revisiting old friends, meeting new teachers, and anticipating fresh academic challenges can feel like a big deal. Even if a child doesn’t seem worried, or expresses only excitement, they may still be dealing with sleep-impacting stress—which is formally defined as a bodily response to any type of change, good or bad.
Of course, it’s tempting to leave older children to their own devices at bedtime, especially if you’re busy tucking in their younger brothers and sisters. But enforcing some bedtime rules and checking in from time to time are just as important for big kids as little ones—if not more. As it stands, only 58% of us enforce any rule when it comes to kids’ bedtimes, says the NSF. With the help of Dr. Dunn and the NSF, I’ve listed some ways to help facilitate rest without being a helicopter parent about it (because who appreciates helicopters, especially when you’re trying to sleep?)
1. Set a real, non-negotiable bedtime for school nights. Count back from the time your child needs to get up for school, and be honest about how much sleep they’re getting. Kids ages six and up need 10 or 11 hours asleep every night. This can feel impossible when a child is faced with 7:30 pm hockey practice or two hours of homework. (According to the NSF survey, evening activities and homework push back children’s sleep more than any other factors.) Carefully plan and scrutinize your child’s activity schedule to make sure that late-evening obligations are minimal, and make sure they start their homework as early in the day as possible so they aren’t scrambling to finish at bedtime, which just adds to stress. On occasion, you may have to put a cap on an activity or assignment that is stretching too far into the evening. Because a shortage of sleep is strongly correlated with learning and behavior difficulties, those enriching extracurriculars can actually backfire, and do more harm to your child’s performance than good.
2. Make sure electronic devices are turned off and inaccessible in the hour or so before bedtime. When I was an elementary-schooler, the electronic obstacles to bedtime were The Cosby Show and Cheers. Now, our kids—and us—have to contend with computers, phones, tablets, and Wii, along with the TV. The problem is, those blue screens aren’t just distracting, but the light they emit can actually interfere with certain hormones that regulate sleep, causing our bodies to think it’s daytime when it’s nighttime. But resisting those screens requires active disengagement, which is something most parents can understand, as we too can be lured by the siren call of a beckoning blue screen. (The NSF estimates that one-quarter of parents read or send a text or email after they have initially fallen asleep at least one night a week.) So make sure that phones, tablets and computers are turned off, or better yet, removed from your child’s room just before bedtime. Reading or listening to a book—even older children enjoy being read to—or listening to music is a better bet for relaxation.
3. Try to set aside a few minutes with your child in their room before bed to talk to them about their day, and the day ahead. And make sure he knows it’s okay to lay it all on the table—the good, the bad, and the ugly, Dr. Dunn reminds us. If you make a huge deal out of every setback or concern your child has, he’ll be far less likely to share his feelings with you in the future. So give them time, space, and quiet to talk. If you think something they say needs to be addressed, set some time to revisit the topic with them the following day, but allow nighttime to be more about downloading than dialogue. “The problems might not be solvable at that moment, but talking is so much better for them than keeping their feelings bottled up inside,” says Dr. Dunn.
4. If talking to you isn’t relaxing for her, try some creative tools to help her unwind. When one of Dr. Dunn’s daughters struggled with anxiety before bedtime, she bought her some worry dolls—those tiny, soft figurines, traditional to Central America, with which people “share” their concerns with at night. She was shocked by how effective they were. “Essentially she told the dolls all of her worries, put the dolls under her pillow, and allowed the dolls to worry for her so she could get some sleep,” says Dr. Dunn. Calming scents like lavender can also be helpful for getting kids to relax before bed, she adds.
Photo by: Ed Dale
Maya Tradition Worry Dolls, $10 for one dozen
Cloud b. Aroma Sleep Aids, Twilight Lady Bug, $13
Elixir of Dreams Pillow Mist, $13 for 3.6 oz.
5. If problems persist, see a specialist. If your child’s sleep problems seem to be related to anxiety, his pediatrician or school counselor can help put you in touch with a psychologist who can delve deeper into his worries and offer some more individualized advice. If stress doesn’t seem to be an issue, and you’ve done everything you can to improve your child’s “sleep hygiene”—which includes limiting caffeinated beverages after noon and making sure the bedroom is a comfortable temperature, along with the ideas above—it may be time to consult a sleep specialist. The NSF has a searchable directory of experts on its website, here.
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