Sibling rivalries are as old as Cain and Abel, and generally speaking, nowhere near so dramatic. It’s the rare parent of multiple children who doesn’t deal with squabbling or even screaming from time to time. But new research suggests that parents should scrutinize their kids’ relationships with one another a little more closely. A study by scientists at the University of Oxford found that kids who were bullied by their own siblings were twice as likely as other kids to suffer from depression and anxiety. “Forms of bullying where victims are shoved around the playground or targeted at work have been well documented,” says lead author Lucy Bowes, Ph.D. “However, this study uncovers a largely hidden form of bullying. Victims of sibling bullying are offered little escape as sibling relationships endure throughout development.”
That was the real eye opener for me. Sure, it’s hard enough for a child when there’s a bully in her class, on her bus, or at her lunch table. But what if the bully shares his toys? His dinner table? His bedroom? While educators are falling over themselves these days to implement bullying awareness and policies on school grounds, we parents tend to write off sibling-to-sibling struggles as a normal part of household dynamics. And yet, it makes perfect sense that when the power dynamic is lopsided enough, kids can feel there’s nowhere to turn, and the negative impact is lasting.
To be sure, bullying is different than garden-variety “fighting,” and the majority of sibling squabbles are just that. In the Oxford study, researchers defined sibling bullying as incidents of being ignored or verbally or physically abused by a brother or sister several times a week. Among 3,452 kids studied, 23 percent reported this level of bullying. (Interestingly, girls were more likely to be victims of bullying, and older brothers were most often the perpetrators.) Of the bullied children, 12% were clinically depressed, 16% had anxiety, and 14% attempted some kind of self harm (cutting, etc.) in the previous year. Those who said they were never bullied by a brother or sister were about half as likely to have these issues.
While it would be silly to freak out over every little battle your kids’ wage over the front seat or the remote control, it’s clearly important that we be a little more aware of the way they fight, and intervene when necessary (as exhausting as it can feel sometimes). HHK adviser Polly Dunn, Ph.D, a psychologist and mother of four who has seen her share of sibling squabbles, helped come up with some tips:
1. Watch how your kids interact. Look for power imbalances. When one child (typically the older sibling, but not always) is frequently starting the arguments, initiating physical fights, or talking badly about the other child, those are all red flags.
2. Treat sibling bullying as you would school bullying. Chances are, if you got a call from school and were told that your child is bullying a classmate, you’d take it seriously. It’s important to apply the same gravity to bullying at home. “I have a zero tolerance policy for bullying, both in and out of my home,” says Dr. Dunn. “If one of my children is exhibiting bullying behaviors towards someone else (sibling or not), I let them know that this is not acceptable behavior and that if they continue there will be consequences. And then I follow through. It’s important to make sure that the consequences reflect the seriousness of your zero tolerance policy and are of a currency that your children understand. For example, if one sibling is bullying another then the offender will be grounded from all electronic devices and extracurricular activities for one week. If they can’t shape up, then that will be extended.”
3. Teach your children to speak up if they’re feeling victimized. Often, we discourage kids from “tattling.” While it’s important that we teach children to stand up for themselves, that might feel impossible for a kid who’s cowed by an imposing brother or sister. Teach them the difference between a disagreement and a bullying situation, and make sure they feel comfortable coming to you or your spouse when they feel unable to stand their ground.
4. Foster situations in which your kids can work or play together peacefully. Whether they’re contending for the last roll at dinner or your attention after a long day, a sibling can easily feel like your child’s stiffest competition. Be careful not to stoke rivalries by comparing one to another, and make sure you build a little lighthearted communal downtime—walks, treat baking, family movie time—into their weeks. “Sibling relationships are so powerful because they know each other like no one else could,” says Dr. Dunn. “They grow up with the same parents, the same grandparents, the same homes, the same values, the same happy memories, and the same problems. Although each may be impacted differently, siblings can relate to each other in a way that no one else can.”
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