A strange thing happened one hot afternoon in the middle of the summer: My six-year-old found a bucket in the garage and a Magic Eraser under the sink and declared was going to start a new business. He called it his “Cleaning System” and let me know he was available to clean any part of the house that was dirty. “You know, walls, messy beds, whatever,” he said.
This struck me as strange since, while not exactly Pigpen, he isn’t a particularly tidy child. He and his older brother are responsible for making their beds, setting the table, and picking up their rooms, but follow-through can be spotty. They also both have a habit of discarding underpants, Lego bricks and Popsicle sticks in inexplicable areas of the house. If he was looking for some extra dough, I’d expect him to play more to his strengths: perhaps an “Old MacDonald” concert on his electric piano. But I wasn’t about to ask too many questions. I pointed him toward some grungy, dead-housefly-speckled window sills, offered a buck as incentive, and poured myself some iced tea.
While parents may differ on whether kids should be compensated beyond room and board for chores—a 2011 survey by American Express showed that majority of us are willing to shell out at least a little something—most agree it’s important for kids to help out around the house. And that seems true even—and perhaps especially when—their labors are not “necessary” for family survival. In an oft-cited 2009 scholarly article on childhood responsibilities, UCLA anthropologists presented a case study of a six-year-old Peruvian child who not only regularly fished for her family’s meals, but cooked the catch and served it too. The vast majority of today’s American kindergarteners don’t need to harvest or prepare their own dinners—most of us would prefer they stay as far away from the cooktop as possible—but insisting they clear their plates and maybe even rinse them too is hardly too much to ask, and may nudge them to think beyond their own wants and needs in ways a Peruvian child has been forced to since the time she could toddle. In an article on its Healthy Children website, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) puts it this way: “Children need to have some obligations and duties within the family, or they will not learn to accept responsibility. In unstructured home environments, or in families that are very permissive and where little is expected of children, youngsters are losing out on some valuable learning experiences, and their development of a sense of responsibility and initiative may not happen until later in life, if ever.” Ouch.
What’s more, being tasked with household duties at a young age can boost lifelong mental health. In a now-famous longitudinal study of men by Harvard University researchers (now chronicled in a book, Triumphs of Experience: The Men of the Harvard Grant Study), childhood industriousness—measured as having jobs outside or in the house—was an even more important factor than certain familial bonds in predicting a positive adulthood. Even though we all know it’s quicker, easier, and far more effective to make a preschooler’s bed on our own, encouraging your little one to do it might shape her character and outlook in incremental, yet powerful, ways.
Ironically, our modern-day, crazy-busy schedules can make it tough to devise and make time for our kids to carry out household tasks. It may take a whole lot of planning, reminding, and redoing, at least initially. In the AAP’s Healthy Children page about chores, the AAP has provided these useful tips for getting your kids on board. Take note; and then take a breather. Your child really can sort the silverware, and may even enjoy it, if you’d just give her a chance.
1. Carefully spell out the tasks your child must perform. Make sure she understands what is expected of her on a daily and a weekly basis. Star charts or chore lists posted in your youngster’s room or on the refrigerator should clearly show what your expectations are. With a school-age child, particularly one who has not taken on responsibilities before, you should introduce one new task at a time; if you spring a long list on her, she will probably fail and rebel.
2. Honest praise from you can be the most effective way of motivating your child and guaranteeing her success. As your youngster completes a regular task, praise her and the job she did. Initiating tasks on her own without a reminder, completing a special task or doing an unusually good job with a regular one might merit a reward of some sort. You may also want to consider tangible rewards like allowances and stickers tied to completed chores.
3. Your child may be greatly helped in remembering to do chores if your family life has a structure and routines. Encourage her to do her chores at the same time each day. Routines of other activities – including meals, homework, play and bedtime – also can teach organization and help her develop responsibility.
4. Schedule weekly family meetings to review your child’s progress. Ask her to discuss her ideas about chores and other responsibilities. Create new or modified “contracts” of the chores that are expected of her. Most important, supervise and support your child, which is the best way to ensure that she is being responsible.
5. When your youngster does not complete her chores and other responsibilities, it may be necessary to discipline her. For example, you might decide to revoke certain privileges or special activities that mean a lot to her. Although some parents may feel that badgering or scolding a child to the point of starting an argument will get her to accept more responsibility, this approach is rarely effective. Rewarding successes and providing encouragement is always much more effective.
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