I say, “I love you” to my kids pretty much every day. Sometimes they say it back to me; sometimes they stare into space, or ask what happened to their glass of milk.
I don’t know about your kids, but my three boys don’t exactly hang on to my every sentence. Not a one is a “word person”— at least not yet. So I talked with Erica Reischer, Ph.D., a psychologist and Happy Healthy Kids advisory board member, about everyday ways to express and model loving behavior in especially kid-friendly ways. Here are some of her thoughts.
1. Use a lot of “positive touch.”
Babies who aren’t touched and cuddled don’t thrive. Even when they’re bigger and seemingly less physically affectionate, kids still need touch. And we aren’t just talking about bear hugs and bed snuggles. While some children need and want a lot of those, others respond better to smaller, more casual gestures, like a pat on the shoulder, a caress on the arm, or a back tickle just before bedtime. Learn what kind of positive touch your child responds to, and try to give him or her a little dose of that physical feedback everyday, suggests Dr. Reischer. It might be just the sort of connection and sensory input your child needs to know he or she is loved and cared for.
Try to do this more with your significant other, too. It not only models affectionate behavior, but seeing parents act lovingly toward each other is a big comfort to most kids.
2. Be more emotionally accepting.
“You’re fine.”
“Oh, that’s not so scary!”
“What are you talking about? You love Uncle Fred!”
Sound familiar? When our kids express that they are sad or frightened or frankly don’t care much for someone or something, it’s often our knee jerk response to insist they feel exactly the opposite—as if saying something will make them actually believe it. Dr. Reischer suggests a different tactic: Acknowledge the feeling, and, if necessary, suggest appropriate behavior that will allow them to deal with their feeling while also being respectful of a situation or person. (“I understand how you think Grandma’s house is a little scary. But visiting her will make her very happy, and it’s important that we go.”)
Acknowledging sadness or discomfort doesn’t just teach kids empathy. When you allow kids to safely feel the not-so-rosy emotions, chances are they’ll feel freer to express loving ones, too.
3. Stretch your love beyond loved ones.
Being a loving person isn’t just about what we do for our inner circle of friends and family. Showing kindness—lending a hand, smile, or warm words—to people you interact with in the community is a form of selfless love that will rub off on your kids over the years.
For more on these ideas and others, check out Dr. Reischer’s blog and look for her upcoming book, What Great Parents Do: The Small Book of BIG Parenting Ideas (Tarcher/Penguin Random House).
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