My friend Beth recently sent me an email with an idea for a post. With her oldest son turning 9, she wondered if it was time to talk with him about the birds and bees.
Whaaat? I thought. My oldest is turning 9 soon, too, and I hadn’t thought that we were anywhere near “the talk.” I quickly started researching the topic, and it appeared that Beth was on the right track. Clearly, I was clueless, so I reached out to clinical psychologist Ellen Braaten, Ph.D. Dr. Braaten is the associate director of the Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds and the director of the Learning and Emotional Assessment Program (LEAP), both based at Massachusetts General Hospital, as well as a mom. Here’s what I learned.
There shouldn’t be one big sex talk, but an evolving conversation—starting very early.Once a child gets to be verbal, you can do a few things to set the stage for later talks about how babies are made. Dr. Braaten advises always using the correct names for body parts, and also demonstrating and talking about loving, gentle relationships, generally. You can also talk about what it means to be a family, making sure to point out that there are different types of families.
There’s a good chance that your preschooler or early elementary schooler will take note that other grown-ups—maybe you or your partner—are expecting and having babies, and they might start asking more, shall we say, technical questions. “You can and should answer all questions that come up, and be truthful, without adding unnecessary details that might confuse or upset them,” says Dr. Braaten. If you and your partner conceived in the traditional way, she suggests saying something like, “Mommy and Daddy love each other, and Daddy shared a small part of himself with a small part of Mommy, and those parts started to grow into a baby.” If you have a curious child who presses for more details—but how did Daddy’s part get inside Mommy?—Dr. Braaten likes the idea of talking about parents sharing a very special hug, and leaving it at that for the time being. (If your child is adopted or is conceived via a donor or surrogate, you’ll obviously have a different type of conversation. For guidance, Dr. Braaten advises talking to friends in similar situations who have older children. “Other parents are always your best guides when it comes to this subject, in particular,” she says.)
Between 8 and 10 is a good time to talk to kids about puberty and the basics of sex.“Kids should know when and how bodies change before they hit puberty,” says Dr. Braaten. “When you do this, the conversation will be less personal and therefore less embarrassing for them, making them far more inclined to listen and ask the important questions.” Talking about what happens during puberty to both sexes is also important to demystify the changes that they might notice in their peers. Dr. Braaten also recommends having both you and your spouse or partner present during the conversation so your child knows that either of you can field questions or concerns later.
After you’ve given them the basics, leave them with a good book about puberty so they can refer to it later. For girls, Dr. Braaten recommends The Care and Keeping of You, by the makers of the American Girl doll series. For boys, The Boys Body Book, published in 2013, is well reviewed. Let them know you’re available to talk about any questions they might have.
A conversation about puberty allows you to segue naturally into the basics of sex. You can explain that girls’ and boys’ bodies change in preparation for creating babies later in life, after they develop a very close and loving relationship with someone. You then have to judge for yourself if this or another time is best to explain, frankly, how sex occurs. For many kids, these details might be best addressed in a separate conversation a year or two later. Other children will ask a lot of questions during a discussion about puberty, in which case you should be honest and to-the-point. “At this stage, keep the explanation brief and biologically based,” Dr. Braaten. To limit the chance that your child might share his new knowledge with a not-yet-informed classmate, make it clear that these conversations—just like sex itself—are very private and personal, and shouldn’t be discussed at school.
After the basic pre-teen sex talk, regularly take advantage of opportunities to talk about tougher topics.Once your children are teens, you’ll want to talk to them about birth control and safe sex. Take every opportunity to discuss these subjects when they arise organically: like when the topic is discussed in a movie you’re watching together, or when your child talks about something that’s happening to a friend.
Every so often, a kid will ask a difficult question totally out of the blue, or in an inopportune place. If you’re not ready to address it thoughtfully, says Dr. Braaten, you can always say, ‘That’s a really good question but I’m not sure how to answer it right now. I’m going to think about it and get back to you—promise.’ And be sure to follow up within a day or two.
Finally, try to be non-judgmental whenever possible, and make sure you allow everything to be on the table. That way, your child will be more apt to come to you when they’re having a problem. “Parents tend to be naïve about their kids sexuality—it’s jarring to find out that a 13-year-old girl knows about or is even doing a lot of things that seem very ‘adult,’” says Dr. Braaten. “But kids today are exposed to more sexual conversation and images than ever before, from the Internet to everyday commercials. It can be shocking and confusing to them. As hard or uncomfortable as it may be, stay ahead of the curve. You want to be the person they go to with the tough questions.”
Photo credit: photo credit: Bees on a Bluebell via Photo Pin, cc
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