Recently, some very high-profile books and studies have emerged which center on certain parenting “styles,” and the merits or potentially childhood-robbing mistakes associated with each. Let’s review a sampling, shall we?
Lighthouse Parent: A Lighthouse Parent loves her child unconditionally but is able to strike a balance between protection and guidance, says Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia pediatrician Kenneth Ginsburg, M.D., in his new book Raising Kids to Thrive. This parent “understands that sometimes kids need to learn from failure.”
Helicopter Parent: The metaphor was first used by child psychologist Haim Ginott, M.D. in the late 60s but really caught on in the early part of the millennium to describe parents who hover over their kids and are overly controlling.
Free-Range Parent: (A.k.a. “slow parent,” according to Wikipedia, but who the hell wants to be called that?) Popularized by journalist-activist Lenore Skenazy on her website, free-range parenting is the antidote to helicopter parenting. Skenazy believes we need to give kids more of a chance to stretch, grow, make mistakes independently, and “stay out until the street lights come on.”
Little-Emperor Parent: In China, this has long been recognized as a phenomenon of the one-child policy, in which doted-upon onlies become over-coddled. Canadian researcher Ian Janssen recently adopted the phrase to describe Western parents who deluge their children with “all the material possessions they crave.”
Concerted Cultivator: In the same Queens University study mentioned above, Janssen discusses these parents, who sign their children up for more extracurriculars than their peers and believe that kids should “work hard, and play later.”
Tiger Mom: Yale Law professor Amy Chua has written critically acclaimed books on free-market democracy and political empires, but what made her a household name is her Battle Hymn of a Tiger Mother, a defense of her insistence that her children go to greater lengths than their Western-reared peers to pursue excellence. Critics have had their claws out ever since (see below).
Elephant Mom: In an essay on The Atlantic’s website that went viral, San Francisco writer Priyanka Sharma Sindhar countered Chua with a call for parents to be less like tigers and more like elephants—”parents who believe they should nurture, protect, and encourage their children, especially when they’re still impressionable and very, very young.” She supports her theory with research and, no joke, a ridiculously moving video of real elephant moms and babies.
Labels are catnip to journalists whose livelihoods depend on grabbing readers’ attention, but apparently, some scholars are finding them hard to resist, too. The problem is, labels are tidy, and parenting is messy. On my best days, I show glimmers of Lighthouse Parenting, but then I “forget to mention” baseball travel team tryouts to my oldest son when I find out that about two dozen third graders who hit like Miguel Cabrera have signed up. I recently morphed into Tiger Mom, temporarily, upon realizing that this same child was allergic to answering the “bonus” question at the end of his homework worksheets. Anyone who got a hold of my Amazon receipts on December 17th might have called me a Little Emperor Parent (I did return the make-your-own hovercraft kit). On a summer evening, maybe after a glass of wine, I’m a little more comfortable being a Free-Range Mom.
Can anyone really describe their parenting style in such general terms? Moreover, should we? I fear that all this labeling is only feeding into the notion of parenting as a competitive sport, one in which you have to decide, early on, what team you’re on. Are you a breastfeeder or a bottler? Crib sleeper or co-sleeper? Public or private schooler?
We’re grown-ups with jobs, families, and perspective. Aren’t we beyond the Breakfast Club stage, when the Mr. Vernons of the world saw us “in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions?” Each one of us is an emperor, a helicopter, a tiger, and an elephant. As our kids grow and change, so do we.
So very true, Kelley. One size doesn’t fit all nor should it. Adaptability and versatility are desirable in so many facets of life, not least in parenting. You give such valuable advice.