We parents get a lot of messages about the importance of teaching our children confidence (in themselves) as well as kindness (to others). But a growing number of psychologists are saying that we should pay more attention to merging the two, encouraging kids to be kinder to themselves. The payoff: greater well-being and less fear of failure.
“Self-compassion is learning to extend understanding, compassion and encouragement to yourself when things don’t go your way, treating yourself the way you would a close and treasured friend,” writes psychologist Shilagh Migrain, Ph.D., in the “Growing Up Healthy” blog she writes at the University of Wisconsin. “Research shows increasing self-compassion has all the benefits of self-esteem but without the downsides. Unlike self-esteem, self-compassion reduces anxiety, lowers feelings of embarrassment when you mess up, and is associated with steadier and more consistent feelings of self-worth.”
The difference is subtle, but important. I think of it this way: Let’s say a kid messes up a drawing, is left off the birthday party list, or gets shelled in the hockey goal. The child who’s told time and again that he’s terrific might, ironically, struggle to accept and overcome such blows to his pumped-up identity. The child who’s instead taught self-compassion may be more inclined to think, “This didn’t work out the way I wanted it to, and I’m bummed about it. But I’m still here—and I’m okay.”
It’s such a simple concept—not to mention a core principle of Buddhism—but not one I’ve ever thought much about before when it comes to parenting. It also seems so very important now, since, thanks to social media and an increasing hyper-competitive school and sports culture, kids are being scrutinized in all the wrong ways. Success (and screw-ups) feel more high-profile and high-stakes than ever. Encouraging kids to be their own friend—not the vapid cheerleader one, but the one who always, gently but lovingly, tells you the truth—might be just thing to keep them steady when they feel overwhelmed or lonely. Far from encouraging a personal pity party—my knee-jerk suspicion when I first came across the idea of self-compassion—it may actually help kids become more resilient, according to University of Austin professor Karen Neff, Ph.D., one of the first psychologists to write about this topic in the realm of child development.
But how to take an idea that sounds, admittedly, sort of trite and make it practical? Other than modeling self-compassion ourselves—i.e., biting our tongue when we’d like to belittle our work, our bodies, or the pot roast we’d cooked for dinner—many psychologists advocate teaching kids to physically self-soothe. For little kids, you can show them how to (literally) give themselves a hug. They can wrap their arms around themselves for a few moments, taking some deep calming breaths. As for bigger kids, suggest they simply place one hand over their heart in times of stress. Ask them to see if this small, subtle touch helps them feel calmer, more connected.
This makes so much sense. Sounds right on, and much needed with the stress put on children roday.