If your child plays a sport, you or your spouse has probably coached, or at least considered coaching, his or her team. More than 85 percent of youth league coaches are moms or dads of players—because town coffers don’t typically support coaching salaries, but also because it seems, to a lot of us, like a really nice thing: time with your kid, doing something fun, active, and common-goal-oriented.
photo credit: D.Clow – Maryland via photopin cc
If only it were that simple. Coaching your own child has many obvious rewards, but some real challenges, too. Separating yourself from your everyday parent role to treat your child like “any other player” is easier said than done, and kids can sniff out the struggle. While the common assumption is that a parent coach may favor his child, interviews of youth soccer players by researchers at the University of Virginia and elsewhere reveal that kids of coaching parents often feel pressure and higher expectations, and a sense of being subject to a disproportionate amount of criticism. And no one likes being picked on by a coach, particularly one you have to sit down to dinner with later that evening.
Obviously, becoming your child’s youth team coach requires more than a basic knowledge about the sport. It necessitates some introspection to understand your own motivations to become a coach, as well as your child’s—and his teammates’—personality and learning style. For advice on this sticky topic, I turned to my friend Sara Whalen Hess, Psy.D., who’s also a World-Cup-gold-medal-winning former professional soccer player, and now a licensed clinical psychologist and mom of three. (Check out her practice’s website, here.) Dr. Hess started coaching her oldest son’s youth league soccer team when he was 4, and has continued to coach his team every year (he’s now 8). As a former elite athlete, practicing psychologist, and parent, she’s uniquely qualified to provide some advice for making a parent coaching experience a positive one. Here are some of her take-to-the-field tips.
1. Fight the urge to coach and instruct your own child all game long. The only way for a child to learn to play is through trying and failing—that’s a natural process for any athlete, says Dr. Hess: “Kids are so desperate to please their parents in general, but it’s important that children don’t feel like they need to impress us. My goal with my son was that he had fun, because if he’s having fun, he will want to work hard, and that’s how he will get better. As corny as that sounds, it’s absolutely true.”
2. If your child or his teammate is struggling, focus on the positive. Kids respond really well when they think you think they can be successful, Dr. Hess says. One of her favorite pieces of advice for parent clients in her practice—“catch your child being good”—works nicely for coaching, too. Be on the watch for a genuinely savvy move or team-building behavior from a lesser star, and give her effusive props for it when it occurs. “Kids who are a bit slower to catch on need more positive reinforcement to be motivated,” she notes.
3. Don’t neglect a successful player (yours or another’s). It’s tempting to leave a good player to his own devices while you tend to the child who’s studying the clover in right field. But your job as coach is to help your child and all of his teammates grow, regardless of where they fall on the skill chart. “Sometimes I will tell my son to use his left foot more, or try a certain, difficult skill during a game,” Dr. Hess says. “There’s a challenge out there for everyone, but it might not be the same for everybody.”
4. Early on, pay attention to the way different kids respond to different motivational techniques. Style doesn’t need to change based on skill level—however, it may need to change based on personality, Dr. Hess says. “There are always kids who need more direct feedback, and some who need a softer approach. I always get to know my players really well, so I can identify with them and know what they need to have fun and work hard.”
5. After the game, put your parenting hat back on. Postgame talks can be tricky for everyone, Dr. Hess notes, but particularly if you’ve played a role in your child’s win or loss. Try not to brood about your own coaching performance, or your child’s play that day. If the game was a tough one, focus on dialogue more than commentary. “Rule of thumb when you don’t know what to say to a kid: Find out what they’re thinking,” says Dr. Hess. “Ask them how they feel, if they had fun, what were the best or most difficult parts. And based on the research of (Stanford psychologist) Carol Dweck, always put the focus on effort and work put in, rather than stats. We need kids—ours and others—to relate their success to their hard work, so they aren’t afraid of failing.”
Great advice. All of your subjects are interesting and spot on. Even for grandma’s like me. Wish something like this was available when I was a young mother.